Obsession

I am obsessed with food.  I don't mean that I like food; I mean that I am completely obsessed.

Aren't we all? you ask.  Nope.  I distinctly remember that I used to like food, I used to think it was yummy and all and I would eat regularly and with relish, but I didn't spend my entire day thinking about it or planning in detail what I was going to eat next.

Do you know how on a fast day you might spend hours - particularly the last few - fantasizing about the food to come?  You can almost taste it and your mouth waters in anticipation.  Now imagine that for eight straight months of your life, you have access to plenty of food but can't eat any of it.  Do you see where I'm going?

I spend an embarrassing amount of time on cooking websites and blogs, just looking for ideas or even just looking at recipes so I can say 'yum' and then go grab myself a snack.  There are some days when I eat like there's no tomorrow, and other days when I'm afraid to eat top much because it might come back up - except that the pregnancy is already a distant memory, and I know that nothing short of the stomach flu will make me upchuck now.

There must be some trick to convincing your brain that really, the nightmare is over.  It's okay to go back to normal now.  But is it really?  My stomach is permanently more sensitive than it used to be and still can't handle a large amount of food in one sitting, and there is a list of foods that I still have a strong aversion to and simply can't convince myself to consume.  N. is always asking me to make lasagna, but I know that I won't eat it so I keep putting him off and putting him off.  Will I ever be able to eat lasagna again?

Knowing that the HG is more likely than not going to plague me with future pregnancies also makes me cautious, because in a way it seems like it can hit at any moment - even when I know logically that it won't.  It is difficult to break free of a fear and an expectation when you know that it lies in your future.

I suppose if an obsession with food is the worst problem I have, I'm doing pretty well - so long as I don't overdo it.