Just a warning to anyone currently pregnant: *foodments*
Now that that's out of the way...recovery this time is SO MUCH EASIER than last time. I think that there are a lot of factors involved, which I may or may not get into at some point, but I'm just so relieved that things are going much more smoothly. Physically I'm in a good place, health-wise I'm doing great, and mentally and emotionally I'm also doing really, really well. After my first birth things were kind of dark there for a while until I figured out that I had PTSD, and then I was able to start healing. This time I feel that there isn't as much healing to do, largely due to the support that I know I have and to the significantly better care that I had.
I'm sure that it also helps that I'm way too busy to actually think about things. NM lost his job five days after I gave birth, and since we're just barely getting by and don't have any savings for a rainy day (because if we were setting aside for savings then we wouldn't be getting by) - I returned to work at 2.5 weeks postpartum. This isn't really as scary as it sounds; I work from home to begin with. I could do without the added stress, but on the other hand it gives me an outlet to just be me and not the milk machine and cuddler and diaper changer that my kids think I am. My job is really fascinating...most of the time, and I'm very good at it. It's nice to be able to sit down and work, do something for myself intellectually while also supporting my family.
Now here's my really big struggle this time: I don't know what normal eating looks like. I feel like I'm always eating these days, and yes, I know that breastfeeding mothers need extra calories and shouldn't be on any sort of diet. But I just feel like I'm eating SO MUCH. But is it really a lot of food and maybe too much, or is it just so much more than I was able to eat while pregnant?
Ever since my first pregnancy in 2010, I never eat until I have that 'full' feeling. I eat until I am relatively satisfied and call it done. Why? Well originally it was because eating until I was full would make me nauseous and I was terrified of losing my meal because...well...you know why. Did more than enough of that.
Now I find myself wondering if eating until I'm full will actually make me nauseous, or if I just think it will and am too scared to find out. Either way, I have completely no clue whatsoever as to what on earth a normal portion size is and I can't for the life of me estimate how much food I'm supposed to be eating. I'm considering seeing a dietician simply to get the answers to those questions, because I'm feeling a bit lost here.
In the meantime, I eat whatever I want, whenever I want it. Since I did actually gain weight this time around, I could afford to lose up to 5 kg but am not yet doing anything actively to shed that weight. I just don't want to be gaining weight, so I guess that as long as I'm keeping it steady I won't worry too much about things.
But do you know the one worst thing about such an easy recovery? It makes me forget how awful things were, and I would totally be stupid enough to do this all again. So far I have given two complete pregnancies to HG, plus I didn't get back to myself until my daughter was 14 months old. That's basically three years of my life that HG has stolen from me already - and since we're still a month-and-a-half away from our fourth wedding anniversary, that's almost our entire marriage that has been screwed up by HG.
*Sigh* At least I know that a good recovery is possible.
Wednesday, November 6, 2013
Sunday, October 6, 2013
HG Vanquished
It's been a LONG time since I wrote anything. I just couldn't deal with keeping this blog updated...not that I have a particularly large readership to begin with. :)
Baby Boy (AA) has arrived, finally, after nine VERY long months. He is now three weeks old and what can I say - we're in love. :) Big sister LH will be turning three later this month. It's hard to believe that I was stupid enough to do this twice in the span of three years, but hey - sometimes man plans and God laughs, and let's just leave it at that.
Overall, I would have to say that my pregnancy with AA was easier than with LH. For starts, this time we knew what we were dealing with and we knew what treatment to demand. I was on zofran from around 5 weeks this time, versus last time where I didn't get it until second trimester. Second trimester, can you believe???
I lost the same amount of weight with AA as with LH (10 kg), but I started out 2 kg heavier this time around so while I was much skinnier than I should have been, I wasn't actually as horribly ill-looking as last time. Also, wonder of wonders, miracle of miracles - I actually gained weight beyond my pre-pregnancy weight! After about 20 weeks I started to gain weight and managed to gain not only the 10 kg I had lost, but an additional 7 beyond that. That means that after I gave birth, I was just 1-2 kg above my pre-pregnancy weight and that's where I'm holding.
My recovery from this pregnancy is about a zillion times better and easier than in my first pregnancy. Part of it is the better medical care, part of it is knowing what the heck is going on, part of it is being much better at asking for help and making myself take it easy. A big part of it is the fantastic birth that I had with this one. For a quick overview of my two births, and why this recovery is so much better:
LH - labor was a total of 9.5 hours. All natural birth; got to the hospital about three hours before the birth. Went from 4 cm to birth in around an hour or so. Even though she was small (2.948 kg, or around 6lbs8oz), I had some pretty significant tearing and the lovely stitches and more difficult recovery that goes along with that. Not to mention that I was not in good health at the time of her birth due to the HG, and I was suffering from PTSD.
AA - labor was a total of 2 hours 50 minutes. Yes, you read that correctly. I woke up at 12:47 AM with a strong contraction. The next one was seven minutes later...next seven minutes later...then six minutes...then five...then we hopped in a cab to the hospital. It's about a 10 minute drive and by the time we got there, I was contracting every two minutes. Of course the first thing they did at the hospital was lay me flat on my back and strap me to a monitor, after so helpfully informing me that I was only 3 cm. I felt like I was dying and pretty quickly changed my mind about wanting an epidural. So they sent me to L&D (had been in triage). They were really hopping that night with women giving birth, so we had a midwife with us but no nurse or doctor in sight. Basically, she told me that the anesthesiologist was busy with another woman at the time but that she thought I was moving too quickly to be able to get an epidural. Each time she checked me (at close intervals) I was a centimeter further along. Finally when I was 7 cm, she told me that she thought if she broke my water, I would give birth. While I didn't really want unnecessary interventions, I just wanted the pain to end so I gave her permission. She broke my water and I had an immediate feeling of relief...until my body starting pushing! Needless to say, she was right. She broke my water and five minutes later I was holding my son. He was 3.565 kg (a coupld of ounces shy of 8 lbs), with a much bigger head than his sister, and I had absolutely NO tearing (even though I felt like I was being ripped open while pushing him out). Fast, intense birth + no stitches = significantly better recovery. Not to mention that I was in better health to begin with.
At any rate, I find it very interesting to take a look at my toenails. You can clearly see where my health was bad and I was malnourished, and where it got better. I like the smooth nail part where it got better; but the not-nice-looking nail part legitimizes for me how sick I was. I mean, it's not that easy to mess up your nails like that through normal fluctuations in diet. But what I was experiencing was NOT a normal fluctuation, or a small fluctuation like an acute illness. It was honest to goodness malnutrition.
I suffered from PTSD after my pregnancy with LH, but I honestly don't think I'll have a problem this time. Physically, mentally, and emotionally I just feel so good. I have to attribute a lot of that to the better support network I had this time. As much as I may not see eye-to-eye with my in-laws all the time, they really helped out a lot. They took care of LH when I couldn't, drove me to and from hospital/urgent care/doctor's appointments, and we actually lived by them for a full month when I was at my worst. They were a steady item in her life when everything else was topsy-turvy.
I can't not mention KT, a very dear friend with the biggest heart in the world. We first 'met' online while she was in the midst of her second HG pregnancy and was reaching out for support. I feel blessed that I was able to help her when she needed it...and she has repaid that a thousandfold. I can't even begin to list the things she has done for us, but let's just say she is awesome awesome awesome.
Of course I couldn't have done it without my husband, NM. Between his full-time job and running out household during that time, he most certainly had his hands full and he came through it much better this second time around.
The other friends and family who helped out, supported, gave LH some sense of normalcy, tried to do everything they could to help me feel better...what can I say, it makes all the difference.
And of course, my mother arrived two days before the birth and the help and support she provided in the three weeks total that she was here were invaluable. It was so good to be able to just take it easy and not have to worry about things like cooking and housework while I started to recover.
Baby Boy (AA) has arrived, finally, after nine VERY long months. He is now three weeks old and what can I say - we're in love. :) Big sister LH will be turning three later this month. It's hard to believe that I was stupid enough to do this twice in the span of three years, but hey - sometimes man plans and God laughs, and let's just leave it at that.
Overall, I would have to say that my pregnancy with AA was easier than with LH. For starts, this time we knew what we were dealing with and we knew what treatment to demand. I was on zofran from around 5 weeks this time, versus last time where I didn't get it until second trimester. Second trimester, can you believe???
I lost the same amount of weight with AA as with LH (10 kg), but I started out 2 kg heavier this time around so while I was much skinnier than I should have been, I wasn't actually as horribly ill-looking as last time. Also, wonder of wonders, miracle of miracles - I actually gained weight beyond my pre-pregnancy weight! After about 20 weeks I started to gain weight and managed to gain not only the 10 kg I had lost, but an additional 7 beyond that. That means that after I gave birth, I was just 1-2 kg above my pre-pregnancy weight and that's where I'm holding.
My recovery from this pregnancy is about a zillion times better and easier than in my first pregnancy. Part of it is the better medical care, part of it is knowing what the heck is going on, part of it is being much better at asking for help and making myself take it easy. A big part of it is the fantastic birth that I had with this one. For a quick overview of my two births, and why this recovery is so much better:
LH - labor was a total of 9.5 hours. All natural birth; got to the hospital about three hours before the birth. Went from 4 cm to birth in around an hour or so. Even though she was small (2.948 kg, or around 6lbs8oz), I had some pretty significant tearing and the lovely stitches and more difficult recovery that goes along with that. Not to mention that I was not in good health at the time of her birth due to the HG, and I was suffering from PTSD.
AA - labor was a total of 2 hours 50 minutes. Yes, you read that correctly. I woke up at 12:47 AM with a strong contraction. The next one was seven minutes later...next seven minutes later...then six minutes...then five...then we hopped in a cab to the hospital. It's about a 10 minute drive and by the time we got there, I was contracting every two minutes. Of course the first thing they did at the hospital was lay me flat on my back and strap me to a monitor, after so helpfully informing me that I was only 3 cm. I felt like I was dying and pretty quickly changed my mind about wanting an epidural. So they sent me to L&D (had been in triage). They were really hopping that night with women giving birth, so we had a midwife with us but no nurse or doctor in sight. Basically, she told me that the anesthesiologist was busy with another woman at the time but that she thought I was moving too quickly to be able to get an epidural. Each time she checked me (at close intervals) I was a centimeter further along. Finally when I was 7 cm, she told me that she thought if she broke my water, I would give birth. While I didn't really want unnecessary interventions, I just wanted the pain to end so I gave her permission. She broke my water and I had an immediate feeling of relief...until my body starting pushing! Needless to say, she was right. She broke my water and five minutes later I was holding my son. He was 3.565 kg (a coupld of ounces shy of 8 lbs), with a much bigger head than his sister, and I had absolutely NO tearing (even though I felt like I was being ripped open while pushing him out). Fast, intense birth + no stitches = significantly better recovery. Not to mention that I was in better health to begin with.
At any rate, I find it very interesting to take a look at my toenails. You can clearly see where my health was bad and I was malnourished, and where it got better. I like the smooth nail part where it got better; but the not-nice-looking nail part legitimizes for me how sick I was. I mean, it's not that easy to mess up your nails like that through normal fluctuations in diet. But what I was experiencing was NOT a normal fluctuation, or a small fluctuation like an acute illness. It was honest to goodness malnutrition.
I suffered from PTSD after my pregnancy with LH, but I honestly don't think I'll have a problem this time. Physically, mentally, and emotionally I just feel so good. I have to attribute a lot of that to the better support network I had this time. As much as I may not see eye-to-eye with my in-laws all the time, they really helped out a lot. They took care of LH when I couldn't, drove me to and from hospital/urgent care/doctor's appointments, and we actually lived by them for a full month when I was at my worst. They were a steady item in her life when everything else was topsy-turvy.
I can't not mention KT, a very dear friend with the biggest heart in the world. We first 'met' online while she was in the midst of her second HG pregnancy and was reaching out for support. I feel blessed that I was able to help her when she needed it...and she has repaid that a thousandfold. I can't even begin to list the things she has done for us, but let's just say she is awesome awesome awesome.
Of course I couldn't have done it without my husband, NM. Between his full-time job and running out household during that time, he most certainly had his hands full and he came through it much better this second time around.
The other friends and family who helped out, supported, gave LH some sense of normalcy, tried to do everything they could to help me feel better...what can I say, it makes all the difference.
And of course, my mother arrived two days before the birth and the help and support she provided in the three weeks total that she was here were invaluable. It was so good to be able to just take it easy and not have to worry about things like cooking and housework while I started to recover.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
24 weeks, yay viability!
Well I'm 24 weeks today. For all you HGers out there, you know how important this milestone is: viability. All of the suffering, all of the misery, and if something goes wrong now - there's still a chance that you can get a live, healthy baby out of it. So yay.
At any rate, I'm actually doing fantastically well. I make a poor excuse for a woman with hyperemesis at this point. :) It just goes to show that if you get proper medical care from the beginning and if you know to fight for what you need, then things can go a lot better.
I'm rapidly gaining weight (I expect to return to my pre-pregnancy weight within the next few weeks), I'm regaining lost muscle (catching up on five months of housework will do that), and I'm able to be more active in my daughter's life. Although I still have to be careful about what I can eat, I CAN EAT. Yesterday my husband was standing there looking at me devouring a small plate of food and he told me how much he loves seeing me eat. I love it too, as does the fetus. :)
My tummy is still teeny-tiny, but I'm pretty sure that I just carry small no matter how the pregnancy is going. We had an anatomy scan two weeks ago that showed a perfectly healthy child with long arms, long legs, and HUGE feet. Seriously, huge is not an exaggeration here. The feet were 4.5 cm long at 22 weeks gestation. Now pull out a ruler and see how big that is. Keep in mind that the baby was probably about the length of an ear of corn at the time, so now think about that proportionately. Huge. Feet.
I'm daring to hope at this point that I am completely past everything and that there is no looking back from here, but I know that I may get sick again as the pregnancy progresses. For the moment, though, despite the limitations and the issues that I still have, I am going to wholeheartedly pretend that I am having a fluffy pregnancy. I always wanted one of those. :)
On a sad note, I am praying for all those who were in the tornado's path in Oklahoma earlier this week, for those who lost their lives, those who lost loved ones, those who were injured, and those who came through unscathed but without a single piece of clothing to their name except the shirt they escaped in. I can't imagine what the parents of those nine little angels are going through right now. I hope that they are able to find some peace and comfort down the line.
At any rate, I'm actually doing fantastically well. I make a poor excuse for a woman with hyperemesis at this point. :) It just goes to show that if you get proper medical care from the beginning and if you know to fight for what you need, then things can go a lot better.
I'm rapidly gaining weight (I expect to return to my pre-pregnancy weight within the next few weeks), I'm regaining lost muscle (catching up on five months of housework will do that), and I'm able to be more active in my daughter's life. Although I still have to be careful about what I can eat, I CAN EAT. Yesterday my husband was standing there looking at me devouring a small plate of food and he told me how much he loves seeing me eat. I love it too, as does the fetus. :)
My tummy is still teeny-tiny, but I'm pretty sure that I just carry small no matter how the pregnancy is going. We had an anatomy scan two weeks ago that showed a perfectly healthy child with long arms, long legs, and HUGE feet. Seriously, huge is not an exaggeration here. The feet were 4.5 cm long at 22 weeks gestation. Now pull out a ruler and see how big that is. Keep in mind that the baby was probably about the length of an ear of corn at the time, so now think about that proportionately. Huge. Feet.
I'm daring to hope at this point that I am completely past everything and that there is no looking back from here, but I know that I may get sick again as the pregnancy progresses. For the moment, though, despite the limitations and the issues that I still have, I am going to wholeheartedly pretend that I am having a fluffy pregnancy. I always wanted one of those. :)
On a sad note, I am praying for all those who were in the tornado's path in Oklahoma earlier this week, for those who lost their lives, those who lost loved ones, those who were injured, and those who came through unscathed but without a single piece of clothing to their name except the shirt they escaped in. I can't imagine what the parents of those nine little angels are going through right now. I hope that they are able to find some peace and comfort down the line.
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Happy Post!!!
Most of the time I fell decidedly UNhappy with this whole grueling process, and I get the feeling it may show through in my writing. So since I am no longer chronically completely dehydrated or starving to death, let's have a happy post for once with all of the GOOD things going on in my life.
- My husband, NM, is doing really, really well at work. He has been promoted and received a raise, with the option for more good things in the future and things like a bonus every month. Big sigh of relief on the financial front; we are by no means rolling in riches, but we're feeling less poor and this will help with the financial impact the HG has had.
- I gained weight! As I have said before, I lost 10 kg/22 lbs at the beginning of this pregnancy (same overall weight loss as last time, but this time I started out slightly heavier). Well in the last week or so (I'll be 20 weeks tomorrow) I have started to gain back some of what I lost! To anyone who has ever dealt with HG, you know how big of an accomplishment this is and how much it means. Last time I didn't start gaining until 22+ weeks, and never got beyond my pre-pregnancy weight.
- I'm 20 weeks tomorrow! That's the halfway point, and the second half (for me) is decidedly better than the first half. Just three more weeks until my anatomy scan to check up on the Brownie, and just four weeks until viability. Once you reach the point of viability, even though 24 weeks is NOT something you want to be looking at, it's such a relief to know that you've gone through all this pain and suffering and even if something goes wrong now, you still have a chance to get a live child out of it all.
- Work for me has been going really well as well and has been very busy, so my paychecks should be quite reasonable. I work as a freelance transcriber and editor, so I get paid by the file - the more I take on, the more I get paid. I have been very lucky to be very busy lately, and that will be really good for our bank account.
- Our 2.5-year-old daughter, LH, is awesome as usual. :)
- I've been able to eat more in the last two weeks than I ate probably in all the 15 before that. Now THAT's an accomplishment!
- The Brownie gives me plenty of jabs and does plenty of somersaults to let me know that everything is good and that he/she appreciates the food I've been sending down there for supper.
- I have still been unable to reduce my Zofran dosage, even by a tiny amount, but at least I have good insurance coverage so I only pay a fraction of the cost. If I have to stay on it long-term, at least I won't go bankrupt for it.
And now I've run out of happy happy things to write, but I think I made a pretty good list of it. :) For any other sufferers out there, I can only hope and pray that you also have an improvement in your symptoms. I know that not everyone does, and I count myself very lucky that I have. Stay strong, mamas! You can do it!
- My husband, NM, is doing really, really well at work. He has been promoted and received a raise, with the option for more good things in the future and things like a bonus every month. Big sigh of relief on the financial front; we are by no means rolling in riches, but we're feeling less poor and this will help with the financial impact the HG has had.
- I gained weight! As I have said before, I lost 10 kg/22 lbs at the beginning of this pregnancy (same overall weight loss as last time, but this time I started out slightly heavier). Well in the last week or so (I'll be 20 weeks tomorrow) I have started to gain back some of what I lost! To anyone who has ever dealt with HG, you know how big of an accomplishment this is and how much it means. Last time I didn't start gaining until 22+ weeks, and never got beyond my pre-pregnancy weight.
- I'm 20 weeks tomorrow! That's the halfway point, and the second half (for me) is decidedly better than the first half. Just three more weeks until my anatomy scan to check up on the Brownie, and just four weeks until viability. Once you reach the point of viability, even though 24 weeks is NOT something you want to be looking at, it's such a relief to know that you've gone through all this pain and suffering and even if something goes wrong now, you still have a chance to get a live child out of it all.
- Work for me has been going really well as well and has been very busy, so my paychecks should be quite reasonable. I work as a freelance transcriber and editor, so I get paid by the file - the more I take on, the more I get paid. I have been very lucky to be very busy lately, and that will be really good for our bank account.
- Our 2.5-year-old daughter, LH, is awesome as usual. :)
- I've been able to eat more in the last two weeks than I ate probably in all the 15 before that. Now THAT's an accomplishment!
- The Brownie gives me plenty of jabs and does plenty of somersaults to let me know that everything is good and that he/she appreciates the food I've been sending down there for supper.
- I have still been unable to reduce my Zofran dosage, even by a tiny amount, but at least I have good insurance coverage so I only pay a fraction of the cost. If I have to stay on it long-term, at least I won't go bankrupt for it.
And now I've run out of happy happy things to write, but I think I made a pretty good list of it. :) For any other sufferers out there, I can only hope and pray that you also have an improvement in your symptoms. I know that not everyone does, and I count myself very lucky that I have. Stay strong, mamas! You can do it!
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Insomnia Woes
Much of my first pregnancy is a bit hazy, due partially to the wonderful fact that God seems to have created women to forget these difficult stages of life, and partially because I have intentionally blocked out all of the suffering. So when people ask me specific questions about how this one compares to the previous one, I sometimes have trouble answering them clearly.
For example, right now I'm suffering from insomnia. I fall asleep quite easily at night, but only stay asleep for around three hours before waking up and staying that way until shortly before I have to wake my toddler for my husband to take her to daycare. Aside from the fact that this is annoying and I'm always exhausted, this also has the effect of making all of my oh-so-wonderful symptoms worse. Your body just can't do what it needs to do if you don't give it the tools to do so - and one of the most important tools is rest.
I can't for the life of me remember if I had the same sleeping issues last time. I don't really think that I did, but I honestly have no recollection. Of course things were different back then, as I had neither a job nor an older child to care for, so even if I couldn't sleep at night it wouldn't have been the end of the world and I could have made it up a bit during the day. But I just don't know.
Any brilliant suggestions that anyone has, preferably without further medicating myself, are more than welcome...no matter how much I've improved recently, nothing good is going to come of it if I can't get proper rest. Ah, the wonderful joys of pregnancy.
For example, right now I'm suffering from insomnia. I fall asleep quite easily at night, but only stay asleep for around three hours before waking up and staying that way until shortly before I have to wake my toddler for my husband to take her to daycare. Aside from the fact that this is annoying and I'm always exhausted, this also has the effect of making all of my oh-so-wonderful symptoms worse. Your body just can't do what it needs to do if you don't give it the tools to do so - and one of the most important tools is rest.
I can't for the life of me remember if I had the same sleeping issues last time. I don't really think that I did, but I honestly have no recollection. Of course things were different back then, as I had neither a job nor an older child to care for, so even if I couldn't sleep at night it wouldn't have been the end of the world and I could have made it up a bit during the day. But I just don't know.
Any brilliant suggestions that anyone has, preferably without further medicating myself, are more than welcome...no matter how much I've improved recently, nothing good is going to come of it if I can't get proper rest. Ah, the wonderful joys of pregnancy.
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
19 Weeks, We're Getting There!
Today I am officially 19 weeks along. Yay! One more week until the halfway mark, five more weeks until viability, and more weeks than I care to write until the babe himself is here. But the point is, we're getting there!
In the past nine days, I have had a significant improvement. I still am not gaining weight (total weight loss of 10kg/22lbs), but I am also not losing. One day I tried to reduce one dose of zofran slightly, and that didn't go too well. Heartburn is increasing, but so is my teeny tiny little pregnant belly. My belly is slightly larger than it was with L.H., so I'm taking that as a good sign.
I can eat more overall (around 1500 calories a day now, yay!), and I can also eat a larger variety of foods. The past couple of days protein has been staying in the best, so that's what I'm eating. I'm not going to go into details of specific foods, in case an HG sufferer is reading this...no need to cause you any more issues than you're already having!
My big issue right now, which of course makes all other issues worse, is that I am having an incredibly difficult time sleeping at night and I have no clue why or how to improve the situation. I fall asleep just fine and sleep really well for around three hours before waking up and, for the most part, failing to fall asleep again. As you can imagine, this makes all of the bodily aches and pains, the nausea, and my general mood and ability to cope much worse.
We're still taking it one day at a time, but now I have hope (which is a much bigger thing than it sounds like, to anyone to has never been through this). I still spend a lot of time fantasizing about the birth and planning different scenarios for how it can go down, but I also plan some more short-term things, like maybe this afternoon I'll go to the grocery store across the street to pick up three foods I think I can eat. I can now walk into the store without automatically vomiting, so we're really making progress.
My improvement this time came several weeks earlier than it did last time, and it is also a much more marked improvement than last time. Of course, until I start managing to put on a little weight and hopefully manage to reduce my zofran by at least a little, I won't feel quite like I've halfway beat HG. But in the meantime, I'm doing my best and fighting as hard as I can to bring this little life into the world.
Anatomy scan coming up soon (we wound up skipping the first one this time because I couldn't physically get over to the doctor's office to pick up the referral). My last u/s showed a healthy baby who measured about a week ahead, so apparently whatever it is that I'm doing is working for the baby, even if it's not working for me. Hopefully the good news about this wriggly little creature will keep pouring in.
I hope that all fellow sufferers out there are doing okay, and that even if you don't wind up with such a wonderful improvement like I have this time, that you at least have your fair share of good days.
In the past nine days, I have had a significant improvement. I still am not gaining weight (total weight loss of 10kg/22lbs), but I am also not losing. One day I tried to reduce one dose of zofran slightly, and that didn't go too well. Heartburn is increasing, but so is my teeny tiny little pregnant belly. My belly is slightly larger than it was with L.H., so I'm taking that as a good sign.
I can eat more overall (around 1500 calories a day now, yay!), and I can also eat a larger variety of foods. The past couple of days protein has been staying in the best, so that's what I'm eating. I'm not going to go into details of specific foods, in case an HG sufferer is reading this...no need to cause you any more issues than you're already having!
My big issue right now, which of course makes all other issues worse, is that I am having an incredibly difficult time sleeping at night and I have no clue why or how to improve the situation. I fall asleep just fine and sleep really well for around three hours before waking up and, for the most part, failing to fall asleep again. As you can imagine, this makes all of the bodily aches and pains, the nausea, and my general mood and ability to cope much worse.
We're still taking it one day at a time, but now I have hope (which is a much bigger thing than it sounds like, to anyone to has never been through this). I still spend a lot of time fantasizing about the birth and planning different scenarios for how it can go down, but I also plan some more short-term things, like maybe this afternoon I'll go to the grocery store across the street to pick up three foods I think I can eat. I can now walk into the store without automatically vomiting, so we're really making progress.
My improvement this time came several weeks earlier than it did last time, and it is also a much more marked improvement than last time. Of course, until I start managing to put on a little weight and hopefully manage to reduce my zofran by at least a little, I won't feel quite like I've halfway beat HG. But in the meantime, I'm doing my best and fighting as hard as I can to bring this little life into the world.
Anatomy scan coming up soon (we wound up skipping the first one this time because I couldn't physically get over to the doctor's office to pick up the referral). My last u/s showed a healthy baby who measured about a week ahead, so apparently whatever it is that I'm doing is working for the baby, even if it's not working for me. Hopefully the good news about this wriggly little creature will keep pouring in.
I hope that all fellow sufferers out there are doing okay, and that even if you don't wind up with such a wonderful improvement like I have this time, that you at least have your fair share of good days.
Monday, April 8, 2013
18 weeks and slightly less miserable
I know that it's been forever since I wrote anything here, and you'd think that while I'm suffering from this oh-so-wonderful malady would be the perfect time to tell you all exactly how it is. Truth be told, I keep thinking of posts to write, and then when it actually comes down to it I decide not to. It's depressing enough to be going through all of this; I don't always want to also be hashing it out in words on the internet.
So let's just say this. Life has been super super sucky, but I'm starting to improve. The Brownie is perfectly healthy and growing very nicely (is actually measuring about a week ahead, and since there was some question as to my dates to begin with, now I am thoroughly confused about how far along I am). I have an itty bitty tummy poking out of my bony body. While I am managing to eat and drink enough to keep going, I have been completely unsuccessful at putting on any weight, and so I am still at -10kg (-22lbs) from where I started. Lovely.
I'm working pretty much full time to what I usually do, but since I work from home and can work in bed, that's no biggie in the grand scheme of things. Our bank account is looking pretty sad because at the beginning I really couldn't work at all, plus of course zofran takes a big chunk out of it every month. Oh, zofran. How I love you.
I went to the doctor last week for a regular check up, and she sent me straight on to an emergency center for hydration (a lovely relative decided to share a stomach virus with me). One blown vein and one bag of IV fluids later, my urinalysis came back exactly the same as before the fluids. And they discharged me anyways. I don't really know why they sent me home like that, as I'm still struggling to make up the lost fluids now, almost a week later. Oh well, I have survived and shall continue to do so.
So that's a quick summary. I have very little desire to go ahead and detail my living hell while I'm still living through it. Afterwards it can be therapeutic, but during it just makes me feel worse. I am NOT doing this again any time soon....
So let's just say this. Life has been super super sucky, but I'm starting to improve. The Brownie is perfectly healthy and growing very nicely (is actually measuring about a week ahead, and since there was some question as to my dates to begin with, now I am thoroughly confused about how far along I am). I have an itty bitty tummy poking out of my bony body. While I am managing to eat and drink enough to keep going, I have been completely unsuccessful at putting on any weight, and so I am still at -10kg (-22lbs) from where I started. Lovely.
I'm working pretty much full time to what I usually do, but since I work from home and can work in bed, that's no biggie in the grand scheme of things. Our bank account is looking pretty sad because at the beginning I really couldn't work at all, plus of course zofran takes a big chunk out of it every month. Oh, zofran. How I love you.
I went to the doctor last week for a regular check up, and she sent me straight on to an emergency center for hydration (a lovely relative decided to share a stomach virus with me). One blown vein and one bag of IV fluids later, my urinalysis came back exactly the same as before the fluids. And they discharged me anyways. I don't really know why they sent me home like that, as I'm still struggling to make up the lost fluids now, almost a week later. Oh well, I have survived and shall continue to do so.
So that's a quick summary. I have very little desire to go ahead and detail my living hell while I'm still living through it. Afterwards it can be therapeutic, but during it just makes me feel worse. I am NOT doing this again any time soon....
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Emotional Rollercoaster
I have gone through such a set of emotions in the past several weeks. First I was just happy and I spent some time to bask in that happiness and optimism by myself before sharing the news with my husband (who I knew would be incredibly stressed by the news, but ultimately happy because we like babies a lot). I managed to hold on to that optimism for quite a nice while, I think. Unfortunately, that has all been turned around now that I see that I am going down the HG road again.
Seriously, half the time I just want to cry - and I guarantee that it's not all hormones. I remember, perhaps a bit too vividly, how truly horrible things were last time. I know that much of that was due to not getting proper medical care until it was too late to prevent or reverse the course I was already going down. But some of it was just good ol' hyperemesis at work.
Part of me keeps thinking, how could I have let myself get into this mess again? Why did I think that I could do this again and be fine? How can I do this again to my husband and now to my toddler daughter? Even with the best treatment, we will all be relying too heavily on my husband and I won't be able to give my daughter the attention that she deserves. I already don't feel up to taking her to the park (which is right outside our front door) and I know that I haven't hit the worst yet. Hopefully I will be fully medicated and the worst won't actually be much worse than right now, but there are no guarantees in this business.
After giving birth to LH a bit over two years ago, I told my husband that I was willing to give it two more tries for a total of three children, but that if HG was a constant in our lives then no way were we ever going to get to the 6 that we had originally dreamed of. Now I'm looking back and thinking that I was a fool for promising I would do this two more times. I mean, why on earth would someone knowingly subject themselves to this oh-so-wonderful torture? If you have HG once then you are more likely than not going to have it again; once you've had it twice I feel like there's just no hope.
I so much understand all the people who go the adoption or surrogacy route, but unfortunately neither of those are an option for us. Surrogacy is not only incredibly expensive, I also would feel really bad about it. For me, I wouldn't be able to have that emotional disconnect that I was carrying a child in my womb who wasn't mine. So I can't expect another woman to be able to do so, at least not without me feeling kind of bad about it.
As for adoption, from what I understand the list in Israel to adopt a newborn is nearly 10 years long. So aside from the expense and the long wait, I would also feel bad about that. There are many, many couples on that waiting list who are physically incapable of bearing their own children. I'm not incapable; I just find it an incredibly distressing experience. I would feel bad taking up their spots just because I "didn't feel like" making my own baby the usual way.
To me, two kids isn't a complete family. But what am I supposed to do? This is a really, really depressing and difficult thing to go through and it will just be more difficult each time as I have more existing children to look after. There are women who do these multiple times, even six or more times, but I frankly have no desire to go through this a second time let alone a fifth.
I suppose that a few years down the line I'll be back on here, blogging about the exact same thing and how I can't believe that I let myself get into this for a third time. What can I say, babies just make me so happy. :)
Seriously, half the time I just want to cry - and I guarantee that it's not all hormones. I remember, perhaps a bit too vividly, how truly horrible things were last time. I know that much of that was due to not getting proper medical care until it was too late to prevent or reverse the course I was already going down. But some of it was just good ol' hyperemesis at work.
Part of me keeps thinking, how could I have let myself get into this mess again? Why did I think that I could do this again and be fine? How can I do this again to my husband and now to my toddler daughter? Even with the best treatment, we will all be relying too heavily on my husband and I won't be able to give my daughter the attention that she deserves. I already don't feel up to taking her to the park (which is right outside our front door) and I know that I haven't hit the worst yet. Hopefully I will be fully medicated and the worst won't actually be much worse than right now, but there are no guarantees in this business.
After giving birth to LH a bit over two years ago, I told my husband that I was willing to give it two more tries for a total of three children, but that if HG was a constant in our lives then no way were we ever going to get to the 6 that we had originally dreamed of. Now I'm looking back and thinking that I was a fool for promising I would do this two more times. I mean, why on earth would someone knowingly subject themselves to this oh-so-wonderful torture? If you have HG once then you are more likely than not going to have it again; once you've had it twice I feel like there's just no hope.
I so much understand all the people who go the adoption or surrogacy route, but unfortunately neither of those are an option for us. Surrogacy is not only incredibly expensive, I also would feel really bad about it. For me, I wouldn't be able to have that emotional disconnect that I was carrying a child in my womb who wasn't mine. So I can't expect another woman to be able to do so, at least not without me feeling kind of bad about it.
As for adoption, from what I understand the list in Israel to adopt a newborn is nearly 10 years long. So aside from the expense and the long wait, I would also feel bad about that. There are many, many couples on that waiting list who are physically incapable of bearing their own children. I'm not incapable; I just find it an incredibly distressing experience. I would feel bad taking up their spots just because I "didn't feel like" making my own baby the usual way.
To me, two kids isn't a complete family. But what am I supposed to do? This is a really, really depressing and difficult thing to go through and it will just be more difficult each time as I have more existing children to look after. There are women who do these multiple times, even six or more times, but I frankly have no desire to go through this a second time let alone a fifth.
I suppose that a few years down the line I'll be back on here, blogging about the exact same thing and how I can't believe that I let myself get into this for a third time. What can I say, babies just make me so happy. :)
The Zofran Rainbow
I want to meet whoever invented zofran and give him or her a big hug. Seriously, this drug works wonders. I'm skimping a bit on my dosage because I need this to last until I can get a refill, but with some creative scheduling I'm getting by.
It's like night and day. I still have nausea on my minimal dose, but I can drink enough to stay hydrated and eat enough so that I hopefully won't lose weight. On the zofran I'm much more like myself; without it I'm a pathetic, sick creature who can't do anything. Not that I'm getting anything done even medicated but at least I don't feel like I'm dying.
My issues are far from over, but at least I have several hours each day when I feel mostly human and can think straight. It's a wonderful feeling.
It's like night and day. I still have nausea on my minimal dose, but I can drink enough to stay hydrated and eat enough so that I hopefully won't lose weight. On the zofran I'm much more like myself; without it I'm a pathetic, sick creature who can't do anything. Not that I'm getting anything done even medicated but at least I don't feel like I'm dying.
My issues are far from over, but at least I have several hours each day when I feel mostly human and can think straight. It's a wonderful feeling.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
So Much For Keeping My Hopes Up...
Yeah, life sucks. It turns out that I'm about a week behind where I thought I was, so I'm less than six weeks at this point. And I feel like crap. I haven't actually been vomiting, but I've spent the entire last couple of days feeling like I'm about to throw up any second. As you can imagine, this is severely limiting my intakes of food and fluids. I have this perpetual dry, dehydrated feeling and if the zofran my husband is out picking up for me right now doesn't provide some immediate relief, then I can definitely see having to get an IV by the beginning of next week.
This is ridiculous.
If I ever say that I want to have another child after this one, please shoot me. Seriously. While this baby may have been a bit of a surprise, it is still very wanted and I've been spending the past two years mentally and physically preparing. Guess what? Nothing can prepare you for this personal type of hell. Last time I was able to harbor some hope because I didn't know what was going on, but this time I know exactly what's going on and exactly how bad things can get. That makes it very difficult to put a positive spin on this.
Yes, I have better care already in place. Yes, I know how wonderful it will be to have a baby at the end of it. But as always, when asked the question "But it was worth it, wasn't it?" I can't honestly reply yes. I wouldn't trade my daughter for anything in the world and I love her to bits and would do anything for her, but seriously - isn't there an easier way to make babies? Is it unreasonable of me to expect that I should be able to go through this natural, normal process without feeling like I'm dying and without practically abandoning my family?
Whatever. Clearly I'm feeling a little bitter right now. Maybe the magic zofran will improve my mood a bit.
This is ridiculous.
If I ever say that I want to have another child after this one, please shoot me. Seriously. While this baby may have been a bit of a surprise, it is still very wanted and I've been spending the past two years mentally and physically preparing. Guess what? Nothing can prepare you for this personal type of hell. Last time I was able to harbor some hope because I didn't know what was going on, but this time I know exactly what's going on and exactly how bad things can get. That makes it very difficult to put a positive spin on this.
Yes, I have better care already in place. Yes, I know how wonderful it will be to have a baby at the end of it. But as always, when asked the question "But it was worth it, wasn't it?" I can't honestly reply yes. I wouldn't trade my daughter for anything in the world and I love her to bits and would do anything for her, but seriously - isn't there an easier way to make babies? Is it unreasonable of me to expect that I should be able to go through this natural, normal process without feeling like I'm dying and without practically abandoning my family?
Whatever. Clearly I'm feeling a little bitter right now. Maybe the magic zofran will improve my mood a bit.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Here We Go Again
So, funny story. Last week I got my BFP (Big Fat Positive). This pregnancy was very unplanned, to say the least, but it's here and we like babies so no worries. :) I'm guessing that I'm around 5+ weeks pregnant right now, which means that I'm right around where the sickness hit last time. And you know what? I feel awesome!
Okay, maybe awesome is a bit of an overstatement. But seriously, I feel really great in comparison to last time. I have moderate nausea off and on and about a zillion very strong food aversions, but so far no vomiting in sight. I've even managed to gain a couple of pounds on my very limited diet (mostly carbs, a lot of protein, and pickles). If this is what morning sickness is like, I'd happily take nine months of this over HG any day!
I have two fears in the back of my mind. One fear is obviously that I'm a ticking time bomb and that the HG will hit any minute now and the next eight months of my life will be a living hell. The other fear is that maybe the fact that I'm not sick means that I'm not producing enough hormones and that I'll lose the baby. That's the bigger fear of the two, I think. I've already done HG once and gotten through it mostly okay (and have an adorable toddler to show for it), but losing a baby is never okay.
Spending the past two years mentally and physically preparing myself for this has really paid off. When I got the positive, all I felt was pure joy and happiness untainted by the thought of HG. I am managing to be pretty hopelessly optimistic on this one, perhaps to the point of stupidity but I can't help it. So much was robbed from me last time and this time I just want to feel that joy and happiness that are supposed to be inherent parts of growing those tiny little miracles in your belly.
That having been said, I also want to keep this a secret as much as I can. My HG community knows, so that I can get support when I need it, even in this waiting period of "will it hit or not". I will have to tell my mother since she is planning a trip and this news may change her plans. But beyond that, we're trying to keep this all very hush-hush until the end of the first trimester. I just want to have this to myself to be happy about without everyone else asking me a million questions and always looking to see if maybe the HG is starting now. I just want to be normal.
I have high hopes that my morning sickness will stay morning sickness and that I can report back here along the way about my wonderfully fluffy pregnancy. In the meantime, my fridge and freezer are stocked with things for both myself and my family, and I'm taking a regiment of prenatals/magnesium/B6. I have ginger tea (which makes me nauseous), crackers (which are currently a neutral food), and an assortment of other 'typical' foods to help with nausea. Just because I don't think they'll work doesn't mean I shouldn't give them a try.
All in all, I'm feeling really good about this. I see the doctor next week for my first appointment of the pregnancy and my first time meeting her, so it should be interesting. I just want her to tell me that everything is going to be okay, but at the same time I will insist that she give me a prescription for zofran just in case. Better to have it in the house and wind up donating it to a friend than to not have it when I need it.
Here's hoping for my first fluffy pregnancy!
Okay, maybe awesome is a bit of an overstatement. But seriously, I feel really great in comparison to last time. I have moderate nausea off and on and about a zillion very strong food aversions, but so far no vomiting in sight. I've even managed to gain a couple of pounds on my very limited diet (mostly carbs, a lot of protein, and pickles). If this is what morning sickness is like, I'd happily take nine months of this over HG any day!
I have two fears in the back of my mind. One fear is obviously that I'm a ticking time bomb and that the HG will hit any minute now and the next eight months of my life will be a living hell. The other fear is that maybe the fact that I'm not sick means that I'm not producing enough hormones and that I'll lose the baby. That's the bigger fear of the two, I think. I've already done HG once and gotten through it mostly okay (and have an adorable toddler to show for it), but losing a baby is never okay.
Spending the past two years mentally and physically preparing myself for this has really paid off. When I got the positive, all I felt was pure joy and happiness untainted by the thought of HG. I am managing to be pretty hopelessly optimistic on this one, perhaps to the point of stupidity but I can't help it. So much was robbed from me last time and this time I just want to feel that joy and happiness that are supposed to be inherent parts of growing those tiny little miracles in your belly.
That having been said, I also want to keep this a secret as much as I can. My HG community knows, so that I can get support when I need it, even in this waiting period of "will it hit or not". I will have to tell my mother since she is planning a trip and this news may change her plans. But beyond that, we're trying to keep this all very hush-hush until the end of the first trimester. I just want to have this to myself to be happy about without everyone else asking me a million questions and always looking to see if maybe the HG is starting now. I just want to be normal.
I have high hopes that my morning sickness will stay morning sickness and that I can report back here along the way about my wonderfully fluffy pregnancy. In the meantime, my fridge and freezer are stocked with things for both myself and my family, and I'm taking a regiment of prenatals/magnesium/B6. I have ginger tea (which makes me nauseous), crackers (which are currently a neutral food), and an assortment of other 'typical' foods to help with nausea. Just because I don't think they'll work doesn't mean I shouldn't give them a try.
All in all, I'm feeling really good about this. I see the doctor next week for my first appointment of the pregnancy and my first time meeting her, so it should be interesting. I just want her to tell me that everything is going to be okay, but at the same time I will insist that she give me a prescription for zofran just in case. Better to have it in the house and wind up donating it to a friend than to not have it when I need it.
Here's hoping for my first fluffy pregnancy!
Wednesday, December 26, 2012
My 5-month Fantasy
I love my child, and I would love to have a small gaggle of children to cal my own. Here in Israel the waiting list for adopting within the country is something like 8-10 years long and surrogacy isn't an option for us (not because we're in Israel, just because). So that means that any kids we want, we have to make ourselves. Lovely.
At any rate, I keep having this really wonderful fantasy where one day I suspect that I might be pregnant and then I get a positive test. I run to the doctor as fast as my legs will carry me, only to discover that I'm already 5 months along and everything is perfect and dreamy and I float through a meadow with flowers and butterflies all the way to the wonderful, blissful birth and we all live happily ever after.
Great, right?
I figure the chances of that happening are so minuscule that I would be more likely to win the lottery once a week for the rest of my life. In other words: zero.
A girl can dream, can't she?
At any rate, I keep having this really wonderful fantasy where one day I suspect that I might be pregnant and then I get a positive test. I run to the doctor as fast as my legs will carry me, only to discover that I'm already 5 months along and everything is perfect and dreamy and I float through a meadow with flowers and butterflies all the way to the wonderful, blissful birth and we all live happily ever after.
Great, right?
I figure the chances of that happening are so minuscule that I would be more likely to win the lottery once a week for the rest of my life. In other words: zero.
A girl can dream, can't she?
High Risk
What do you think of when you hear the term "high risk obstetrics"? What does it bring to your mind? Before now, I always thought of someone pregnant with multiples, someone with underlying health issues that can complicate matters, someone with God knows what complication that I don't even know about.
But I never thought about me.
It is difficult to come to terms with the fact that yes, I actually did have a high risk pregnancy due to the HG. The second OB I saw (I switched after the first OB didn't give me proper care) was indeed a high risk OB, but at the time I kind of just thought that was a great perk, not a necessary measure.
It can be very difficult to come to terms with the fact that despite having no underlying conditions, despite having an otherwise model pregnancy (if you completely ignore everything HG-related), I now have to consider myself high risk and plan accordingly. The second I have a positive pregnancy test, I need to beg for an immediate appointment with the doctor and get my meds all lined up, among the other zillion things that I will need to do.
I don't like the term "high risk". It makes me feel like there is danger, where all I want to do is block it all out and pretend that nothing is happening and that life will just be perfect.
But I never thought about me.
It is difficult to come to terms with the fact that yes, I actually did have a high risk pregnancy due to the HG. The second OB I saw (I switched after the first OB didn't give me proper care) was indeed a high risk OB, but at the time I kind of just thought that was a great perk, not a necessary measure.
It can be very difficult to come to terms with the fact that despite having no underlying conditions, despite having an otherwise model pregnancy (if you completely ignore everything HG-related), I now have to consider myself high risk and plan accordingly. The second I have a positive pregnancy test, I need to beg for an immediate appointment with the doctor and get my meds all lined up, among the other zillion things that I will need to do.
I don't like the term "high risk". It makes me feel like there is danger, where all I want to do is block it all out and pretend that nothing is happening and that life will just be perfect.
Saturday, September 29, 2012
The Value of a Friend
Back when I was pregnant in 2010, I pretty much had no one to talk to about what was going on with me - no one who could understand, that is. Of course my husband was there for me but he was sort of at a loss as to what was going on and what to do with me (as was I). I had some friends who stuck by my side during that time but none of them had ever been pregnant much less had HG, so they were also clueless. Of course it didn't help that I could barely talk on the phone or in person.
Even though I became involved with the forums at www.helpher.org and eventually on babycenter, all of the women were in America or other countries and I never really made that connection with any of them. So as nice as it was to read that other people were going through the same things as me (actually, most of them were much worse than I was), I didn't really get that bond that I had been looking for.
Then comes a random private message from K earlier this year, asking if she could ask me a specific question. Sure enough, K is another unfortunate HG sufferer here in Israel where the care for this debilitating disease is subpar, for the most part. She was already in her third trimester but was still suffering a lot and struggling with an OB who didn't really have a clue about HG but was willing to go along with some suggestions that she brought to his attention.
Oh boy, was it nice to be able to help someone out while I didn't need help at that point. And you know what? I think that the relationship is very good for both of us. We both get it. Most people don't realize that the effects of HG don't just go away once you give birth. Physical recovery can easily take a year and emotional recovery - heck, I'm still working on that one and LH will turn two next month.
All of our non-HG friends get tired of us talking about it and more or less tell us to shut up and leave the past in the past. What they don't realize is that HG isn't only our past - it is also part of our present and, most likely, our future. We can't just shut it out and forget about it. For us, talking it out is therapeutic and helps us work through some of the fears and anxieties that are left behind. We just need a supportive ear to listen.
I am so glad to say that I have found that supportive ear in K, and I really hope that she feels the same about me. To give you an idea about the kind of person she is - she knows another HG sufferer (TG), currently in the hell of her first trimester. TG is currently hospitalized and has been for more than a week because her HG is just out of control. Well K hopped on a bus one day with her baby and went to the hospital to visit TG, then stayed late so that she could be there when the doctor made his rounds so that she could talk to him and be an advocate for TG and make treatment suggestions. Thank goodness she did - the doctor actually listened to her and implemented several of the suggestions. Mind you, she had 3+ hours of bus travel each direction to do this. Isn't she awesome?
So yes, I have found a gem of a friend and that is so so so so so so so important when you are in the HG world, just trying to get by one day at a time. If you are an HG survivor, network and try to find an HG sufferer and befriend her. Advocate for her. Do for her everything that you wished someone had done for you. You never know, you might save a life.
Even though I became involved with the forums at www.helpher.org and eventually on babycenter, all of the women were in America or other countries and I never really made that connection with any of them. So as nice as it was to read that other people were going through the same things as me (actually, most of them were much worse than I was), I didn't really get that bond that I had been looking for.
Then comes a random private message from K earlier this year, asking if she could ask me a specific question. Sure enough, K is another unfortunate HG sufferer here in Israel where the care for this debilitating disease is subpar, for the most part. She was already in her third trimester but was still suffering a lot and struggling with an OB who didn't really have a clue about HG but was willing to go along with some suggestions that she brought to his attention.
Oh boy, was it nice to be able to help someone out while I didn't need help at that point. And you know what? I think that the relationship is very good for both of us. We both get it. Most people don't realize that the effects of HG don't just go away once you give birth. Physical recovery can easily take a year and emotional recovery - heck, I'm still working on that one and LH will turn two next month.
All of our non-HG friends get tired of us talking about it and more or less tell us to shut up and leave the past in the past. What they don't realize is that HG isn't only our past - it is also part of our present and, most likely, our future. We can't just shut it out and forget about it. For us, talking it out is therapeutic and helps us work through some of the fears and anxieties that are left behind. We just need a supportive ear to listen.
I am so glad to say that I have found that supportive ear in K, and I really hope that she feels the same about me. To give you an idea about the kind of person she is - she knows another HG sufferer (TG), currently in the hell of her first trimester. TG is currently hospitalized and has been for more than a week because her HG is just out of control. Well K hopped on a bus one day with her baby and went to the hospital to visit TG, then stayed late so that she could be there when the doctor made his rounds so that she could talk to him and be an advocate for TG and make treatment suggestions. Thank goodness she did - the doctor actually listened to her and implemented several of the suggestions. Mind you, she had 3+ hours of bus travel each direction to do this. Isn't she awesome?
So yes, I have found a gem of a friend and that is so so so so so so so important when you are in the HG world, just trying to get by one day at a time. If you are an HG survivor, network and try to find an HG sufferer and befriend her. Advocate for her. Do for her everything that you wished someone had done for you. You never know, you might save a life.
Monday, September 24, 2012
Some People are Buttheads
My friend K recently sent me a great article that had been written by an HG sufferer and survivor for a women's magazine. In it she details her journey through her first pregnancy with severe HG in all its wonderfulness. I think she did a fantastic job, although I must say that if I had been the one writing it there are certain parts that I would have stressed more to help get the seriousness across.
The next thing I hear is that in a later issue of the magazine a woman wrote in to the editor saying that since this wonderful HG momma hadn't had a PICC line, then clearly it wasn't severe HG and she demanded the magazine print a correction saying so - which they did.
If only I could get my hands on that letter to the editor, I would write such a scathing reply that that woman wouldn't know what had hit her. How dare she do something like that. Seriously - how dare she?
A little education here: just because you don't have a PICC line doesn't mean you don't have severe HG. Some doctors are unwilling to place one because of the inherent risks, and I have never ever heard of a woman being given a PICC line for treatment of HG in Israel (where the original writer suffered through her pregnancy). There are a million and one reasons why a woman wouldn't get one.
If you look at the HER Foundation website at the list of signs of severe HG, there is nothing there saying "you don't have severe HG unless you have a PICC line". I mean, seriously, are you kidding me?
Do you know what it feels like when you go through all that pain and suffering - and yes, it is pain and suffering - and then when you open yourself up to the world in the hopes of educating others, helping other mothers going through it, and perhaps finding some closure yourself - do you know what it feels like when someone comes along and says that you weren't really suffering like you said you were?
Let me tell you a story. There was a terrible car accident and both drivers are severely injured. One driver needs a leg amputation, the other leg is shattered, his liver is lacerated, he has severe whiplash, and multiple head injuries. You would say that this man is in critical condition, yes? But wait - the other driver has all of these injuries plus seven more and spends three weeks in a coma etc. etc. Now are you going to go back and tell the first man that just because his injuries aren't as bad, he really wasn't injured at all? No, because it would be completely ridiculous to say something like that.
So Ms. Letter to the Editor, let me tell you this. No one makes up having severe HG. No one will give herself that label just to feel 'cool' or to make things seem more serious than they were. If she was diagnosed with severe HG, she had severe HG - end of story. You, someone looking in from the outside who has absolutely no clue who she is and what she actually went through, have no right to belittle her suffering and to demand a correction.
It doesn't matter if you yourself are an HG sufferer, if you are a medical professional, if you are random Joe Shmoe off the street. Unless you are this woman or her doctor, you have no right to say anything. The only appropriate response to an article such as hers is "I'm so sorry that you went through that. I will pray that you never go through that again. Now I know about HG and if I come across a woman suffering from it, I know where to send her for information and I better know how to support her."
Clearly the woman who wrote in to the editor knows something about HG because she knows that (in the US) a PICC line is frequently used to treat the worst cases. But she clearly doesn't know enough to shut the hell up and not make a bad situation worse.
So please, think before you open your mouth. Sometimes really stupid things come out.
The next thing I hear is that in a later issue of the magazine a woman wrote in to the editor saying that since this wonderful HG momma hadn't had a PICC line, then clearly it wasn't severe HG and she demanded the magazine print a correction saying so - which they did.
If only I could get my hands on that letter to the editor, I would write such a scathing reply that that woman wouldn't know what had hit her. How dare she do something like that. Seriously - how dare she?
A little education here: just because you don't have a PICC line doesn't mean you don't have severe HG. Some doctors are unwilling to place one because of the inherent risks, and I have never ever heard of a woman being given a PICC line for treatment of HG in Israel (where the original writer suffered through her pregnancy). There are a million and one reasons why a woman wouldn't get one.
If you look at the HER Foundation website at the list of signs of severe HG, there is nothing there saying "you don't have severe HG unless you have a PICC line". I mean, seriously, are you kidding me?
Do you know what it feels like when you go through all that pain and suffering - and yes, it is pain and suffering - and then when you open yourself up to the world in the hopes of educating others, helping other mothers going through it, and perhaps finding some closure yourself - do you know what it feels like when someone comes along and says that you weren't really suffering like you said you were?
Let me tell you a story. There was a terrible car accident and both drivers are severely injured. One driver needs a leg amputation, the other leg is shattered, his liver is lacerated, he has severe whiplash, and multiple head injuries. You would say that this man is in critical condition, yes? But wait - the other driver has all of these injuries plus seven more and spends three weeks in a coma etc. etc. Now are you going to go back and tell the first man that just because his injuries aren't as bad, he really wasn't injured at all? No, because it would be completely ridiculous to say something like that.
So Ms. Letter to the Editor, let me tell you this. No one makes up having severe HG. No one will give herself that label just to feel 'cool' or to make things seem more serious than they were. If she was diagnosed with severe HG, she had severe HG - end of story. You, someone looking in from the outside who has absolutely no clue who she is and what she actually went through, have no right to belittle her suffering and to demand a correction.
It doesn't matter if you yourself are an HG sufferer, if you are a medical professional, if you are random Joe Shmoe off the street. Unless you are this woman or her doctor, you have no right to say anything. The only appropriate response to an article such as hers is "I'm so sorry that you went through that. I will pray that you never go through that again. Now I know about HG and if I come across a woman suffering from it, I know where to send her for information and I better know how to support her."
Clearly the woman who wrote in to the editor knows something about HG because she knows that (in the US) a PICC line is frequently used to treat the worst cases. But she clearly doesn't know enough to shut the hell up and not make a bad situation worse.
So please, think before you open your mouth. Sometimes really stupid things come out.
Sunday, September 23, 2012
In Denial
I have reached an interesting stage in my HGness: a sort of kind of quasi-denial. You see, I would so much love to have another baby right now. I mean, the cuteness of the first one (now about to turn 2) is just so amazing that you can't help but want another one.
The fact that I had HG in my previous pregnancy is indisputable. Sometimes I try to talk myself into believing that it really wasn't so bad and that with proper care I would have been totally fine. With proper care I would have been better, I'm sure, but I wouldn't have been totally fine. And I can't let myself forget what happened because if I do that - I won't be adequately prepared for what might come with a positive pregnancy test.
Another interesting side effect that has manifested is a decided aversion to doctors, especially new ones. We moved to a new city two months ago and even though I know I need to see a doctor for something, I have been stalling and 'forgetting' and refusing to make the appointment. I saw a doctor every week while pregnant and so many times it was a disappointing experience where they had nothing to offer me but a 'wait and see' approach. I just can't bring myself to pick up the phone now and schedule anything.
As I wrote in my previous post on preparing for an HG pregnancy, it is best to sit down with your doctor in before even trying to conceive and to agree on a plan of action. I know how crucial this can be to keeping away from the worst of HG, and yet I still can't bring myself to go in. What if this doctor is no good? What if she doesn't know how to treat HG or won't treat it aggressively? What if she won't give me the higher dose of zofran that I never got last time and yet could have made such a huge difference? What if, what if, what if?
I know that eventually I'll just have to suck it up and do what I need to do. But I can't quite bring myself to do it yet.
The fact that I had HG in my previous pregnancy is indisputable. Sometimes I try to talk myself into believing that it really wasn't so bad and that with proper care I would have been totally fine. With proper care I would have been better, I'm sure, but I wouldn't have been totally fine. And I can't let myself forget what happened because if I do that - I won't be adequately prepared for what might come with a positive pregnancy test.
Another interesting side effect that has manifested is a decided aversion to doctors, especially new ones. We moved to a new city two months ago and even though I know I need to see a doctor for something, I have been stalling and 'forgetting' and refusing to make the appointment. I saw a doctor every week while pregnant and so many times it was a disappointing experience where they had nothing to offer me but a 'wait and see' approach. I just can't bring myself to pick up the phone now and schedule anything.
As I wrote in my previous post on preparing for an HG pregnancy, it is best to sit down with your doctor in before even trying to conceive and to agree on a plan of action. I know how crucial this can be to keeping away from the worst of HG, and yet I still can't bring myself to go in. What if this doctor is no good? What if she doesn't know how to treat HG or won't treat it aggressively? What if she won't give me the higher dose of zofran that I never got last time and yet could have made such a huge difference? What if, what if, what if?
I know that eventually I'll just have to suck it up and do what I need to do. But I can't quite bring myself to do it yet.
Wednesday, August 15, 2012
Preparing for Another HG Pregnancy
I had hyperemesis with my first - and as yet only - pregnancy. According to my doctor and research, however, I have a very high likelihood (60-70%) of having it in future pregnancies as well. Since I gave birth 21 months ago, I have been preparing myself for another pregnancy. The physical preparations are pretty simple. The emotional and psychological preparations are not.
Here is a list of things to do to prepare for another HG pregnancy. I have compiled this list from the list here from the Help HER website, as well as feedback I received from other HG mothers when I asked them what they thought would be good to do in advance. I have split it into several categories for the sake of clarity and organization.
CHILDCARE
If you have older children, be sure that they are taken care of. Have a rotation of friends and family look after them, but keep in mind that they will sorely miss you. For younger children, consider having a basket of quiet activities to keep near you so that they can play near you and with you if you are up for it. For older children, let them know that you are willing to listen whenever they want to talk and ask them to come sit with you and tell you about their day each afternoon. See if there are any activities you can do together while you lay down. Board games? If they are in a sport/dance/play/whatever and you can't make it to their performances or events, have someone videotape it for you and make sure to watch it with your child afterwards.
For pre-school-aged children, consider getting together with other mothers for a round-robin playgroup. If there are five children then each mother has the children only one day a week. Perhaps you can get a family member or friend to be at your house the day the kids are 'yours' and run the activities and take care of them. It would even be worthwhile to hire someone to help, if that is a possibility.
HOUSEHOLD
Make sure that you aren't planning a move for the next year or more. Moving while pregnant sucks, especially if you have HG. Take if from me. I did it. DON'T DO IT.
Stock up on EVERYTHING beforehand. Your husband/significant other will be so overwhelmed just with taking care of you and trying to keep things somewhat sane that you don't want to add extra stresses. Stock up on all non-perishables, and if you have a deep freeze you can stock up on some frozen goods as well. Don't forget about things like toilet paper, soaps, cleaners, clothing, etc.
In all your stocking up, try to avoid anything perfumed or otherwise scented as this can be a trigger for vomiting.
Cook and freeze in advance. Again, a deep-freeze is good for this because the food keeps longer. Store the food in containers that are the correct size for one meal for how ever many people are eating. Last time soups wound up being good for hydrating me, so this time I will precook soups and freeze them in single servings in the hopes that they will work again.
Look into grocery delivery services. Again, this will make your husband's life easier.
Do a deep clean of your house beforehand or hire someone to do it for you. Organize. If possible, arrange for a cleaner (or an awesome friend) to come by once a week and help out with cleaning.
Keep a cabinet full of new toys/activities to keep older children busy when you're at your worst. Go to the dollar store or the dollar section at Target and stock up. Brainstorm and write up a long list of fun activities so that when your brain is in HG mode you don't even have to think too hard and come up with something new.
DENTAL HEALTH
Go to the dentist for a cleaning and x-rays and address any cavities or other issues. Also ask the dentist about a sealant for your teeth to help protect them against all the vomiting.
GENERAL HEALTH
Address any other health issues before considering trying to conceive.
Quit smoking, drinking alcohol, reduce caffeine intake. Avoid artificial colors, flavors, preservatives, etc.
Eat a healthy, balanced diet and make sure you have moderate exercise. With severe HG you will have muscle atrophy. It helps if you have some muscle to begin with before it atrophies.
Make sure you are slightly above (10 lbs above) your goal healthy weight. If you are overweight, don't add these 10 lbs. If you are underweight, spend some serious effort bulking up. You don't want to do this by eating ice cream all day. You want to do this by increasing your intake of healthy food and increasing the amount of healthy fats in your diet. For example, never eat a naked salad - always put on dressing.
Ask your doctor for a comprehensive blood test to check B12, CBC, Ferritin, Potassium, Vitamin D, folic acid and any other levels he thinks it appropriate to address. Address any vitamin/mineral deficiencies BEFORE trying to conceive. This blood panel will also serve as a reference point for what your blood looked like when you were healthy.
Start taking prenatal vitamins 3-6 months before trying to conceive. Don't forget to take folic acid. Also, magnesium deficiencies have been shown to contribute to nausea so ask your doctor if you should take a supplement and how much. And don't forget B6 - while I didn't notice it helping any when I tried it, I was already pretty far gone before it was suggested. Taking it in advance or from the positive pregnancy test may work better.
EDUCATE
Educate yourself. Educate your family. Educate your friends. Educate your doctor. Educate your community. Educate, educate, educate. I can't stress how important it is. The HER Foundation has fantastic resources in this area. Use them.
Obviously there are about a zillion and one other things you can do as well. I didn't mention a lot of the things on the list at the HER Foundation because - well, why duplicate effort? Each individual will have their own needs as well. The best thing to do is to sit down with your doctor in advance and make an action plan. Of course we all hope that all of this planning will be completely useless because we'll have happy, fluffy, non-HG pregnancies - but we can't count on that happening.
I hope that this list provides at least a springboard for planning for your next HG pregnancy.
Here is a list of things to do to prepare for another HG pregnancy. I have compiled this list from the list here from the Help HER website, as well as feedback I received from other HG mothers when I asked them what they thought would be good to do in advance. I have split it into several categories for the sake of clarity and organization.
CHILDCARE
If you have older children, be sure that they are taken care of. Have a rotation of friends and family look after them, but keep in mind that they will sorely miss you. For younger children, consider having a basket of quiet activities to keep near you so that they can play near you and with you if you are up for it. For older children, let them know that you are willing to listen whenever they want to talk and ask them to come sit with you and tell you about their day each afternoon. See if there are any activities you can do together while you lay down. Board games? If they are in a sport/dance/play/whatever and you can't make it to their performances or events, have someone videotape it for you and make sure to watch it with your child afterwards.
For pre-school-aged children, consider getting together with other mothers for a round-robin playgroup. If there are five children then each mother has the children only one day a week. Perhaps you can get a family member or friend to be at your house the day the kids are 'yours' and run the activities and take care of them. It would even be worthwhile to hire someone to help, if that is a possibility.
HOUSEHOLD
Make sure that you aren't planning a move for the next year or more. Moving while pregnant sucks, especially if you have HG. Take if from me. I did it. DON'T DO IT.
Stock up on EVERYTHING beforehand. Your husband/significant other will be so overwhelmed just with taking care of you and trying to keep things somewhat sane that you don't want to add extra stresses. Stock up on all non-perishables, and if you have a deep freeze you can stock up on some frozen goods as well. Don't forget about things like toilet paper, soaps, cleaners, clothing, etc.
In all your stocking up, try to avoid anything perfumed or otherwise scented as this can be a trigger for vomiting.
Cook and freeze in advance. Again, a deep-freeze is good for this because the food keeps longer. Store the food in containers that are the correct size for one meal for how ever many people are eating. Last time soups wound up being good for hydrating me, so this time I will precook soups and freeze them in single servings in the hopes that they will work again.
Look into grocery delivery services. Again, this will make your husband's life easier.
Do a deep clean of your house beforehand or hire someone to do it for you. Organize. If possible, arrange for a cleaner (or an awesome friend) to come by once a week and help out with cleaning.
Keep a cabinet full of new toys/activities to keep older children busy when you're at your worst. Go to the dollar store or the dollar section at Target and stock up. Brainstorm and write up a long list of fun activities so that when your brain is in HG mode you don't even have to think too hard and come up with something new.
DENTAL HEALTH
Go to the dentist for a cleaning and x-rays and address any cavities or other issues. Also ask the dentist about a sealant for your teeth to help protect them against all the vomiting.
GENERAL HEALTH
Address any other health issues before considering trying to conceive.
Quit smoking, drinking alcohol, reduce caffeine intake. Avoid artificial colors, flavors, preservatives, etc.
Eat a healthy, balanced diet and make sure you have moderate exercise. With severe HG you will have muscle atrophy. It helps if you have some muscle to begin with before it atrophies.
Make sure you are slightly above (10 lbs above) your goal healthy weight. If you are overweight, don't add these 10 lbs. If you are underweight, spend some serious effort bulking up. You don't want to do this by eating ice cream all day. You want to do this by increasing your intake of healthy food and increasing the amount of healthy fats in your diet. For example, never eat a naked salad - always put on dressing.
Ask your doctor for a comprehensive blood test to check B12, CBC, Ferritin, Potassium, Vitamin D, folic acid and any other levels he thinks it appropriate to address. Address any vitamin/mineral deficiencies BEFORE trying to conceive. This blood panel will also serve as a reference point for what your blood looked like when you were healthy.
Start taking prenatal vitamins 3-6 months before trying to conceive. Don't forget to take folic acid. Also, magnesium deficiencies have been shown to contribute to nausea so ask your doctor if you should take a supplement and how much. And don't forget B6 - while I didn't notice it helping any when I tried it, I was already pretty far gone before it was suggested. Taking it in advance or from the positive pregnancy test may work better.
EDUCATE
Educate yourself. Educate your family. Educate your friends. Educate your doctor. Educate your community. Educate, educate, educate. I can't stress how important it is. The HER Foundation has fantastic resources in this area. Use them.
Obviously there are about a zillion and one other things you can do as well. I didn't mention a lot of the things on the list at the HER Foundation because - well, why duplicate effort? Each individual will have their own needs as well. The best thing to do is to sit down with your doctor in advance and make an action plan. Of course we all hope that all of this planning will be completely useless because we'll have happy, fluffy, non-HG pregnancies - but we can't count on that happening.
I hope that this list provides at least a springboard for planning for your next HG pregnancy.
Sunday, June 17, 2012
Baby Dolls
There are those moments in your life when you just look at your child in amazement and wonder how such an incredibly precious creature came out of you. LH is always full of wonderful surprises and is at a very fun (if trying) age.
What I really get a kick out of is seeing how she interacts with her baby doll. I've always thought that you can tell something about parents just by watching the behavior of their young child. Well LH simply lavishes her love on this poor, bedraggled doll. Whether it's gently laying her down in a basket and rubbing her head so she'll go to sleep or carrying around patting her back or strapping her into the high chair and giving her water from her own sippy cup, LH just mothers this little doll to death.
And then there are the times when she is very clearly NOT modelling her behavior after us. We have never thrown her to the ground, stepped on her, or used her as a comfy chair. We have never bitten her or strangled her with her headband. And we most certainly have never tried to stick her in the garbage.
But it's those nice moments when she is being such a mensch that really get at me. I can't help but be a proud mama when I see how sweet and loving and caring my little girl is. She can only be learning her behavior from N and me (as I am a stay at home mother) so it's so nice to see that she's picking up on all the right things.
Now we just have to convince her that I'm not a trampoline, either....
What I really get a kick out of is seeing how she interacts with her baby doll. I've always thought that you can tell something about parents just by watching the behavior of their young child. Well LH simply lavishes her love on this poor, bedraggled doll. Whether it's gently laying her down in a basket and rubbing her head so she'll go to sleep or carrying around patting her back or strapping her into the high chair and giving her water from her own sippy cup, LH just mothers this little doll to death.
And then there are the times when she is very clearly NOT modelling her behavior after us. We have never thrown her to the ground, stepped on her, or used her as a comfy chair. We have never bitten her or strangled her with her headband. And we most certainly have never tried to stick her in the garbage.
But it's those nice moments when she is being such a mensch that really get at me. I can't help but be a proud mama when I see how sweet and loving and caring my little girl is. She can only be learning her behavior from N and me (as I am a stay at home mother) so it's so nice to see that she's picking up on all the right things.
Now we just have to convince her that I'm not a trampoline, either....
Friday, June 1, 2012
Busy Times
I haven't been on here to post in a month. I have been so busy with so many other projects, work, finding a place to move, etc. that I simply haven't had a chance to write things for myself. Mostly the only writing I do nowadays is writing that pays, even if it is only a small amount.
So yes, I've been busy.
You know something that really annoys me? When people are hypocritical. I'm sure that I am also guilty of this offense at times, but I try not to be. I have a friend who gets angry at me when I'm too busy to call or get together, but when she's too busy it's not a problem. You see, I wouldn't see it as a problem if she didn't see my busyness as a problem, but she does so I do. If that made sense.
A different friend lent me Philip Pullman's "His Dark Materials" trilogy recently. I've read the first book before and liked it, but never continued on with the series. Let me tell you, it's worthwhile. I just started the third one last night and I'm very excited to see what happens with it. The second one left off at a major cliffhanger and I'm just itching to see what becomes of everyone.
Okay, so there's really no point to this post. Just a bunch of rambling on and on, and if you're still reading then I apologize. Heck, even I'm bored at this point!
Okeydokey, no more torture. Have a good weekend!
So yes, I've been busy.
You know something that really annoys me? When people are hypocritical. I'm sure that I am also guilty of this offense at times, but I try not to be. I have a friend who gets angry at me when I'm too busy to call or get together, but when she's too busy it's not a problem. You see, I wouldn't see it as a problem if she didn't see my busyness as a problem, but she does so I do. If that made sense.
A different friend lent me Philip Pullman's "His Dark Materials" trilogy recently. I've read the first book before and liked it, but never continued on with the series. Let me tell you, it's worthwhile. I just started the third one last night and I'm very excited to see what happens with it. The second one left off at a major cliffhanger and I'm just itching to see what becomes of everyone.
Okay, so there's really no point to this post. Just a bunch of rambling on and on, and if you're still reading then I apologize. Heck, even I'm bored at this point!
Okeydokey, no more torture. Have a good weekend!
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
"Just get over it already"
I was just downstairs speaking with a relative of N, who is over right now to babysit to that I can get some work done. She so kindly brought over some fish and some soup for us to eat. When I mentioned that I haven't really been into fish since my pregnancy, her response was "just get over it already. Pregnancy is the only way to make babies. You don't have a choice. So just get over it."
Aside from the fact that there are other ways to get children (like surrogacy or adoption), I can't just "get over it". It was a very traumatic experience in many ways and has shaped both my life and my marriage. I can't just throw away an important piece of my personal history because someone thinks I should eat fish. I never liked fish to begin with and only ate it for a few years. I don't miss it.
The fish really isn't the point, though. HG, along with every other serious illness, has long-lasting and long-reaching effects. Just as you wouldn't tell someone who survived cancer to "just get over it" or you wouldn't tell someone who suffered a heart attack to "just get over it", you also can't tell an HG sufferer or survivor to "just get over it".
If you have HG with one pregnancy, then the odds are against you for having subsequent normal pregnancies. I am well aware of this fact. I am hoping and praying for only the best pregnancies in the future, but I am also very aware of the other possibility and am preparing myself accordingly. My doctor agrees with me (and she gave me even slimmer odds of avoiding it in the future than what the HER foundation website provides), so I really don't care what other relatives think of it. Sometimes I just wish that they would shut up and leave me be to do what I need to do without being made to feel guilty for it.
Aside from the fact that there are other ways to get children (like surrogacy or adoption), I can't just "get over it". It was a very traumatic experience in many ways and has shaped both my life and my marriage. I can't just throw away an important piece of my personal history because someone thinks I should eat fish. I never liked fish to begin with and only ate it for a few years. I don't miss it.
The fish really isn't the point, though. HG, along with every other serious illness, has long-lasting and long-reaching effects. Just as you wouldn't tell someone who survived cancer to "just get over it" or you wouldn't tell someone who suffered a heart attack to "just get over it", you also can't tell an HG sufferer or survivor to "just get over it".
If you have HG with one pregnancy, then the odds are against you for having subsequent normal pregnancies. I am well aware of this fact. I am hoping and praying for only the best pregnancies in the future, but I am also very aware of the other possibility and am preparing myself accordingly. My doctor agrees with me (and she gave me even slimmer odds of avoiding it in the future than what the HER foundation website provides), so I really don't care what other relatives think of it. Sometimes I just wish that they would shut up and leave me be to do what I need to do without being made to feel guilty for it.
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