"I survived, so you can, too"

The internet is a wonderful thing where anyone can write anything.  Sometimes, though, I really think that people should shut up.

One of my more recent encounters with someone who should not be allowed to post some things was on a post a friend of mine made somewhere about her HG and how she was having such a hard time with it.  One brilliant woman replied saying that she had gone through HG, too, and "I survived, so you can, too."  She was basically saying that my friend should just suck it up and deal with it and not complain about it so much.

I think that she was essentially trying to be helpful and trying to say that we could get out of this whole on the other side, but it didn't come across like that.  It came across as, "shut up and suffer in silence".

Few enough people have HG to begin with, and there is so much misunderstanding out there about the disease, that it really is not wise to just shut up and deal with it.  There is a big psychological factor involved (NOT as the cause, but rather an effect of being so ill).  Many mothers wind up feeling very isolated, among other issues. One way to combat this isolation and general feeling of desolation is by connecting with other women going through the same issues - or who have gone through and come out the other side.  It can become a wonderful support network.

To tell someone to just suck it up and deal with it is so not helpful.  A forum like the one where I saw this post should be a safe place for everyone to complain about everything going on, because chances are it's the ONLY place they can do so.  Think before you write, people.

A Year of Change

I was recently looking through an album we have, with pictures of me and N from the time we started dating, through our engagement, our wedding, the oh so wonderful pregnancy, and finally the year and a half since our little angel was born.  The album begins three years ago, and it is amazing to see how many changes can happen in such a short period of time.

I was particularly struck by the difference between two pictures.  The first was taken on Chanukah in 2010, when LH was 2 months old; the second exactly a year later.  Of course the babe is completely different, but that's to be expected.  What shocked me was the huge difference I saw in myself.

In the 2010 picture, I am very skinny, very pale, and just generally sickly-looking.  The 2011 picture looks like a completely different person - healthy, happy, clothes that fit, color in the cheeks, and a good weight for my frame.

As soon as I delivered the placenta, my health took a major turn for the better.  In normal illnesses, two months is a long time in terms of healing and getting better and looking healthy.  And the funny thing is, I really did look healthy two months later - but only in comparison to how I looked while pregnant.  Now, looking back, I can't believe that I thought I looked so much better already.  How I look now is how I should always look (although I could do without the bags under the eyes).

Women are always asking when they can expect their body to go back to normal after pregnancy and childbirth, and the usual answer I see is that it took nine months to get that way, so you need to give it nine months to get back to how it was.  This was actually quite true for me in many ways, too, although excess weight and a flabby stomach were not my issues.

I didn't return to my pre-pregnancy weight until 10 months postpartum.  I only had to gain about five kilo to get there, but between the breastfeeding and the eating issues I was having, each kilo was a huge struggle to get and to keep.  Part of it was trying to rebuild my lost muscle mass, while at the same time keeping my activity level relatively low in order to conserve calories.  Not an easy balance, I can tell you.

But even from the expression on my face you can tell that my outlook has changed.  At two months postpartum, if someone had mentioned to me thoughts of having another baby I probably would have had a panic attack.  Now, I am much more emotionally healed and have come to terms with the fact that I want more children = I have to have more pregnancies = I run the risk of HG repeating or even worsening.  And you know what?  Even though I still have a hard time saying 'yes' when someone asks me if it was all worth it, I wouldn't trade my daughter for the world.  If there was an easier way to get another little treasure I would take it, but apparently pain and suffering are the way to go.

Of Questionable Sanity

After going through HG, thoughts of having another child - let alone several more, as we were (and still are) hoping seemed crazy and basically sent me into a panic.  Which is why I find myself questioning my sanity since I know have baby fever.

It's amazing how resilient both the human body and the psyche can be.  Or maybe how forgetful.  Do I not remember the pain and misery?  Do I not remember how I couldn't even get out of bed?  How am I supposed to do all of that with a toddler underfoot, and in the future more than one older child?

Of course I know the answer already.  Yes, I do remember, and that is why I have spent the past year making preparations of mind, body, and house in order to make things go more smoothly.  I have a document on my computer of lists of things to do beforehand and during to try to keep things good.  I speak with many people about various ideas and options, doctor recommendations, etc.

I still feel pretty insane to be considering this again.  Kids must really be something special for a mother to be willing to risk her life (pretty literally, in this case) in order to bring more into the world.  I guess I just take the commandment of "be fruitful and multiply" very seriously.

I'll do everything I possibly can to survive.  The rest is up to G-d.

Pesach (Passover) with HG

This post is inspired by K., who is currently suffering from hyperemesis and recently got in touch with me to ask questions about how I handled Pesach while pregnant.  To those of you who are not religious Jews this may seem like gibberish.  I'm just hoping that some poor woman who doesn't know what to do with herself for the week-long holiday will find this post and feel just a teeny tiny bit better.

Unless you are Sephardic, and even depending what kind of Sephardic you are, chances are that you don't eat kitniyot (legumes and more) on Pesach in addition to the restrictions that everyone has on chametz (leavened bread).  If you are suffering from HG and your food intake is already severely limited, these additional restrictions can seem stifling and even problematic from a health perspective.

K. mentioned to me that she knows she could get a rabbi to give her a heter (permission) to eat kitniyot foods on Pesach, but that it just didn't feel right.  If it was medically necessary then she could understand it, but since she has improved a bit she didn't feel that it was really as medically necessary.

I think that women with HG have a skewed sense of health and sickness.  If you have gone a week without an IV or if you can now eat 800 calories a day then you're doing great, right?  Well yes, but only in comparison to how poorly you were doing before.  Try to look at yourself from an outside perspective, from a 'normal' perspective, before saying that you're well enough that you don't need to get permission to eat normally 'forbidden' foods (although these foods are only half-forbidden, in a way).

My point is, if you are suffering from hyperemesis around Pesach time - even if you aren't in your first trimester, even if you are doing miles better than you were - get the heter from the rabbi for kitniyot.  What's more, don't let even the slightest bit of guilt enter into your conscience.  Even if you feel pretty good your body is still not itself and you have to worry about the little one growing inside.  During an HG pregnancy there are so few foods that you can eat to begin with that you don't want to limit yourself unnecessarily.

If you are living in America, getting the heter might not actually provide a huge amount of relief simply because you can't find so many kitniyot items that are labeled as Kosher for Pesach.  In Israel, however, you'll find everything labeled as kitniyot, from cream cheese to chocolate to coffee to more obvious things like rice and beans and the like.  Buy them.  Have them in your house.  Even if you wind up not using them, at least you know that you have the option.

This is not a time to tell yourself that you're better just to avoid doing something that is outside your comfort zone religiously speaking.  Health comes above all else.  Take care of yourself and your little peanut.

Life is Good

It seems that I am perpetually stressed out, and yet I find that I am also very happy with life.  I have a wonderful husband, a beautiful daughter who can be trying at times but gets forgiven whenever she smothers me with kisses (a few times a day), and a job that keeps me very busy and doesn't pay a lot, but I love.

N. and I are financially a bit iffy at the moment, but we are planning a move in July to a cheaper place and then he will start working as well, so our situation should get much better.  I just like having a plan in place.  Even though the move is months off and we don't have a place yet, I've still been planning tons of little details surrounding everything.  At first it seemed like such a daunting and difficult task, but as I make a plan in my head I find that things seem a bit easier.

Of course it's always nice that I am valued so highly at work, and they consistently pile on more than I am scheduled for (hence the stress).  But I know that they wouldn't give me so much if they didn't have so much confidence in me.  I am highly motivated to keep this job for so many reasons, not least of which is that I actually like it.  It is very satisfying work and I love seeing my improvement even week to week, sometimes.  I am really stretching myself in terms of skills and gaining new ones all the time.  When I first applied for the job they said that there was room for advancement in the company and they weren't kidding.

Not really sure what my point here is, except that despite the stress and hardships of life sometimes, it's still good.  With so many things to love and be happy about, how can it not be good?

The Broken Shofar Blast

A friend of mine suddenly passed away as a senior in high school, seven years ago last month.  My high school arranged school buses to take us to the funeral and had counselors on hand for us to talk to.  But only one thing sticks out in my memory: the sound her father made, standing over her grave, watching as each person took her turn shoveling on dirt.  The following is a short piece that I wrote a couple years later.

I remember the sound he made as his eldest daughter was lowered into the ground.  It was the most heart-wrenching sound I had ever heard.  It was like a broken shofar blast, a prayer and a cry to G-d that was so full of pain that no words could begin to express it.

I remember how he gathered his next daughter to his chest, trying desperately to hold on to her, keep her safe; how he was surrounded by all five of his surviving children as they all looked on, dazed.

I remember how his wife was stoic as could be, not shedding a tear that we could see.  She spoke the eulogy calmly and cleanly, outwardly accepting her eldest child’s death, inwardly torn to tiny little pieces.

But most of all I remember the sound.  The pure, inarticulate cry of unallayed grief that only one who has lost a child can possibly comprehend.  It is the sound of a soul, devoid of words to say and filled only with intense feeling, calling out to G-d.

We all miss you, Tanielle.  A"H.

The Changing Face of Leisure

I find it amazing how my definition of leisure seems to be in a semi-constant state of flux.  At the beginning of our marriage it might have been watching a movie together with a hot cup of cocoa or sharing a quiet dinner together without food flying through the air.  When I was pregnant leisure was a day that I felt nominally healthy and could pretend to be a normal person; it was a day that I didn't have to go see any doctors, fill a prescription, or get fluids.

Now, though, leisure is totally different.  With a toddler running around the house, leisure has turned into 30 seconds to pee alone without someone banging on the door.  Leisure is sneaking in a shower while the babe is distracted.  Leisure is eating with both hands or going to the grocery store alone.  Leisure is reading a book that is longer than 10 pages, doesn't have pictures, and doesn't rhyme.

And you know what?  It's so worth it.