Sunday, September 23, 2012

In Denial

I have reached an interesting stage in my HGness: a sort of kind of quasi-denial.  You see, I would so much love to have another baby right now.  I mean, the cuteness of the first one (now about to turn 2) is just so amazing that you can't help but want another one.

The fact that I had HG in my previous pregnancy is indisputable.  Sometimes I try to talk myself into believing that it really wasn't so bad and that with proper care I would have been totally fine.  With proper care I would have been better, I'm sure, but I wouldn't have been totally fine.  And I can't let myself forget what happened because if I do that - I won't be adequately prepared for what might come with a positive pregnancy test.

Another interesting side effect that has manifested is a decided aversion to doctors, especially new ones.  We moved to a new city two months ago and even though I know I need to see a doctor for something, I have been stalling and 'forgetting' and refusing to make the appointment.  I saw a doctor every week while pregnant and so many times it was a disappointing experience where they had nothing to offer me but a 'wait and see' approach.  I just can't bring myself to pick up the phone now and schedule anything.

As I wrote in my previous post on preparing for an HG pregnancy, it is best to sit down with your doctor in before even trying to conceive and to agree on a plan of action.  I know how crucial this can be to keeping away from the worst of HG, and yet I still can't bring myself to go in.  What if this doctor is no good?  What if she doesn't know how to treat HG or won't treat it aggressively?  What if she won't give me the higher dose of zofran that I never got last time and yet could have made such a huge difference?  What if, what if, what if?

I know that eventually I'll just have to suck it up and do what I need to do.  But I can't quite bring myself to do it yet.

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