Wednesday, December 26, 2012

My 5-month Fantasy

I love my child, and I would love to have a small gaggle of children to cal my own.  Here in Israel the waiting list for adopting within the country is something like 8-10 years long and surrogacy isn't an option for us (not because we're in Israel, just because).  So that means that any kids we want, we have to make ourselves.  Lovely.

At any rate, I keep having this really wonderful fantasy where one day I suspect that I might be pregnant and then I get a positive test.  I run to the doctor as fast as my legs will carry me, only to discover that I'm already 5 months along and everything is perfect and dreamy and I float through a meadow with flowers and butterflies all the way to the wonderful, blissful birth and we all live happily ever after.

Great, right?

I figure the chances of that happening are so minuscule that I would be more likely to win the lottery once a week for the rest of my life.  In other words: zero.

A girl can dream, can't she?

High Risk

What do you think of when you hear the term "high risk obstetrics"?  What does it bring to your mind?  Before now, I always thought of someone pregnant with multiples, someone with underlying health issues that can complicate matters, someone with God knows what complication that I don't even know about.

But I never thought about me.

It is difficult to come to terms with the fact that yes, I actually did have a high risk pregnancy due to the HG.  The second OB I saw (I switched after the first OB didn't give me proper care) was indeed a high risk OB, but at the time I kind of just thought that was a great perk, not a necessary measure.

It can be very difficult to come to terms with the fact that despite having no underlying conditions, despite having an otherwise model pregnancy (if you completely ignore everything HG-related), I now have to consider myself high risk and plan accordingly.  The second I have a positive pregnancy test, I need to beg for an immediate appointment with the doctor and get my meds all lined up, among the other zillion things that I will need to do.

I don't like the term "high risk".  It makes me feel like there is danger, where all I want to do is block it all out and pretend that nothing is happening and that life will just be perfect.