Wednesday, November 6, 2013

Ah, Recovery

Just a warning to anyone currently pregnant: *foodments*

Now that that's out of the way...recovery this time is SO MUCH EASIER than last time.  I think that there are a lot of factors involved, which I may or may not get into at some point, but I'm just so relieved that things are going much more smoothly.  Physically I'm in a good place, health-wise I'm doing great, and mentally and emotionally I'm also doing really, really well.  After my first birth things were kind of dark there for a while until I figured out that I had PTSD, and then I was able to start healing.  This time I feel that there isn't as much healing to do, largely due to the support that I know I have and to the significantly better care that I had.

I'm sure that it also helps that I'm way too busy to actually think about things.  NM lost his job five days after I gave birth, and since we're just barely getting by and don't have any savings for a rainy day (because if we were setting aside for savings then we wouldn't be getting by) - I returned to work at 2.5 weeks postpartum.  This isn't really as scary as it sounds; I work from home to begin with.  I could do without the added stress, but on the other hand it gives me an outlet to just be me and not the milk machine and cuddler and diaper changer that my kids think I am.  My job is really fascinating...most of the time, and I'm very good at it.  It's nice to be able to sit down and work, do something for myself intellectually while also supporting my family.

Now here's my really big struggle this time: I don't know what normal eating looks like.  I feel like I'm always eating these days, and yes, I know that breastfeeding mothers need extra calories and shouldn't be on any sort of diet.  But I just feel like I'm eating SO MUCH.  But is it really a lot of food and maybe too much, or is it just so much more than I was able to eat while pregnant?

Ever since my first pregnancy in 2010, I never eat until I have that 'full' feeling.  I eat until I am relatively satisfied and call it done.  Why?  Well originally it was because eating until I was full would make me nauseous and I was terrified of losing my meal know why.  Did more than enough of that.

Now I find myself wondering if eating until I'm full will actually make me nauseous, or if I just think it will and am too scared to find out.  Either way, I have completely no clue whatsoever as to what on earth a normal portion size is and I can't for the life of me estimate how much food I'm supposed to be eating.  I'm considering seeing a dietician simply to get the answers to those questions, because I'm feeling a bit lost here.

In the meantime, I eat whatever I want, whenever I want it.  Since I did actually gain weight this time around, I could afford to lose up to 5 kg but am not yet doing anything actively to shed that weight.  I just don't want to be gaining weight, so I guess that as long as I'm keeping it steady I won't worry too much about things.

But do you know the one worst thing about such an easy recovery?  It makes me forget how awful things were, and I would totally be stupid enough to do this all again.  So far I have given two complete pregnancies to HG, plus I didn't get back to myself until my daughter was 14 months old.  That's basically three years of my life that HG has stolen from me already - and since we're still a month-and-a-half away from our fourth wedding anniversary, that's almost our entire marriage that has been screwed up by HG.

*Sigh*  At least I know that a good recovery is possible.

No comments:

Post a Comment