Ah, Recovery

Just a warning to anyone currently pregnant: *foodments*

Now that that's out of the way...recovery this time is SO MUCH EASIER than last time.  I think that there are a lot of factors involved, which I may or may not get into at some point, but I'm just so relieved that things are going much more smoothly.  Physically I'm in a good place, health-wise I'm doing great, and mentally and emotionally I'm also doing really, really well.  After my first birth things were kind of dark there for a while until I figured out that I had PTSD, and then I was able to start healing.  This time I feel that there isn't as much healing to do, largely due to the support that I know I have and to the significantly better care that I had.

I'm sure that it also helps that I'm way too busy to actually think about things.  NM lost his job five days after I gave birth, and since we're just barely getting by and don't have any savings for a rainy day (because if we were setting aside for savings then we wouldn't be getting by) - I returned to work at 2.5 weeks postpartum.  This isn't really as scary as it sounds; I work from home to begin with.  I could do without the added stress, but on the other hand it gives me an outlet to just be me and not the milk machine and cuddler and diaper changer that my kids think I am.  My job is really fascinating...most of the time, and I'm very good at it.  It's nice to be able to sit down and work, do something for myself intellectually while also supporting my family.

Now here's my really big struggle this time: I don't know what normal eating looks like.  I feel like I'm always eating these days, and yes, I know that breastfeeding mothers need extra calories and shouldn't be on any sort of diet.  But I just feel like I'm eating SO MUCH.  But is it really a lot of food and maybe too much, or is it just so much more than I was able to eat while pregnant?

Ever since my first pregnancy in 2010, I never eat until I have that 'full' feeling.  I eat until I am relatively satisfied and call it done.  Why?  Well originally it was because eating until I was full would make me nauseous and I was terrified of losing my meal because...well...you know why.  Did more than enough of that.

Now I find myself wondering if eating until I'm full will actually make me nauseous, or if I just think it will and am too scared to find out.  Either way, I have completely no clue whatsoever as to what on earth a normal portion size is and I can't for the life of me estimate how much food I'm supposed to be eating.  I'm considering seeing a dietician simply to get the answers to those questions, because I'm feeling a bit lost here.

In the meantime, I eat whatever I want, whenever I want it.  Since I did actually gain weight this time around, I could afford to lose up to 5 kg but am not yet doing anything actively to shed that weight.  I just don't want to be gaining weight, so I guess that as long as I'm keeping it steady I won't worry too much about things.

But do you know the one worst thing about such an easy recovery?  It makes me forget how awful things were, and I would totally be stupid enough to do this all again.  So far I have given two complete pregnancies to HG, plus I didn't get back to myself until my daughter was 14 months old.  That's basically three years of my life that HG has stolen from me already - and since we're still a month-and-a-half away from our fourth wedding anniversary, that's almost our entire marriage that has been screwed up by HG.

*Sigh*  At least I know that a good recovery is possible.

24 weeks, yay viability!

Well I'm 24 weeks today.  For all you HGers out there, you know how important this milestone is: viability.  All of the suffering, all of the misery, and if something goes wrong now - there's still a chance that you can get a live, healthy baby out of it.  So yay.

At any rate, I'm actually doing fantastically well.  I make a poor excuse for a woman with hyperemesis at this point. :)  It just goes to show that if you get proper medical care from the beginning and if you know to fight for what you need, then things can go a lot better.

I'm rapidly gaining weight (I expect to return to my pre-pregnancy weight within the next few weeks), I'm regaining lost muscle (catching up on five months of housework will do that), and I'm able to be more active in my daughter's life.  Although I still have to be careful about what I can eat, I CAN EAT.  Yesterday my husband was standing there looking at me devouring a small plate of food and he told me how much he loves seeing me eat.  I love it too, as does the fetus. :)

My tummy is still teeny-tiny, but I'm pretty sure that I just carry small no matter how the pregnancy is going.  We had an anatomy scan two weeks ago that showed a perfectly healthy child with long arms, long legs, and HUGE feet.  Seriously, huge is not an exaggeration here.  The feet were 4.5 cm long at 22 weeks gestation.  Now pull out a ruler and see how big that is.  Keep in mind that the baby was probably about the length of an ear of corn at the time, so now think about that proportionately.  Huge.  Feet.

I'm daring to hope at this point that I am completely past everything and that there is no looking back from here, but I know that I may get sick again as the pregnancy progresses.  For the moment, though, despite the limitations and the issues that I still have, I am going to wholeheartedly pretend that I am having a fluffy pregnancy.  I always wanted one of those. :)

On a sad note, I am praying for all those who were in the tornado's path in Oklahoma earlier this week, for those who lost their lives, those who lost loved ones, those who were injured, and those who came through unscathed but without a single piece of clothing to their name except the shirt they escaped in.  I can't imagine what the parents of those nine little angels are going through right now.  I hope that they are able to find some peace and comfort down the line.

Happy Post!!!

Most of the time I fell decidedly UNhappy with this whole grueling process, and I get the feeling it may show through in my writing.  So since I am no longer chronically completely dehydrated or starving to death, let's have a happy post for once with all of the GOOD things going on in my life.

- My husband, NM, is doing really, really well at work.  He has been promoted and received a raise, with the option for more good things in the future and things like a bonus every month.  Big sigh of relief on the financial front; we are by no means rolling in riches, but we're feeling less poor and this will help with the financial impact the HG has had.

- I gained weight!  As I have said before, I lost 10 kg/22 lbs at the beginning of this pregnancy (same overall weight loss as last time, but this time I started out slightly heavier).  Well in the last week or so (I'll be 20 weeks tomorrow) I have started to gain back some of what I lost!  To anyone who has ever dealt with HG, you know how big of an accomplishment this is and how much it means.  Last time I didn't start gaining until 22+ weeks, and never got beyond my pre-pregnancy weight.

- I'm 20 weeks tomorrow!  That's the halfway point, and the second half (for me) is decidedly better than the first half.  Just three more weeks until my anatomy scan to check up on the Brownie, and just four weeks until viability.  Once you reach the point of viability, even though 24 weeks is NOT something you want to be looking at, it's such a relief to know that you've gone through all this pain and suffering and even if something goes wrong now, you still have a chance to get a live child out of it all.

- Work for me has been going really well as well and has been very busy, so my paychecks should be quite reasonable.  I work as a freelance transcriber and editor, so I get paid by the file - the more I take on, the more I get paid.  I have been very lucky to be very busy lately, and that will be really good for our bank account.

- Our 2.5-year-old daughter, LH, is awesome as usual. :)

- I've been able to eat more in the last two weeks than I ate probably in all the 15 before that.  Now THAT's an accomplishment!

- The Brownie gives me plenty of jabs and does plenty of somersaults to let me know that everything is good and that he/she appreciates the food I've been sending down there for supper.

- I have still been unable to reduce my Zofran dosage, even by a tiny amount, but at least I have good insurance coverage so I only pay a fraction of the cost.  If I have to stay on it long-term, at least I won't go bankrupt for it.

And now I've run out of happy happy things to write, but I think I made a pretty good list of it. :)  For any other sufferers out there, I can only hope and pray that you also have an improvement in your symptoms.  I know that not everyone does, and I count myself very lucky that I have.  Stay strong, mamas!  You can do it!

Insomnia Woes

Much of my first pregnancy is a bit hazy, due partially to the wonderful fact that God seems to have created women to forget these difficult stages of life, and partially because I have intentionally blocked out all of the suffering.  So when people ask me specific questions about how this one compares to the previous one, I sometimes have trouble answering them clearly.

For example, right now I'm suffering from insomnia.  I fall asleep quite easily at night, but only stay asleep for around three hours before waking up and staying that way until shortly before I have to wake my toddler for my husband to take her to daycare.  Aside from the fact that this is annoying and I'm always exhausted, this also has the effect of making all of my oh-so-wonderful symptoms worse.  Your body just can't do what it needs to do if you don't give it the tools to do so - and one of the most important tools is rest.

I can't for the life of me remember if I had the same sleeping issues last time.  I don't really think that I did, but I honestly have no recollection.  Of course things were different back then, as I had neither a job nor an older child to care for, so even if I couldn't sleep at night it wouldn't have been the end of the world and I could have made it up a bit during the day.  But I just don't know.

Any brilliant suggestions that anyone has, preferably without further medicating myself, are more than welcome...no matter how much I've improved recently, nothing good is going to come of it if I can't get proper rest.  Ah, the wonderful joys of pregnancy.

Mommy award

As I lay awake in L.H.'s bed last night, trying to convince her that she really did want to sleep there and not in my bed, I was thinking: all mommies should get an award and reward at the end of each day.  I know, I know, the wonderfulness that is children is our reward.  But seriously, we work hard.

It doesn't matter whether you stay home with the kids or work outside of the home; whether you have one kids or many; whether you are a single parent or you have a partner.  It also doesn't matter if it was a day where you had to spend the entire time with your cranky little one or a day when you played with the babe, cleaned the bathrooms, did three loads of laundry, cooked healthy food for the family, cleaned the kitchen, changed two poopy diapers, and fished five toys out of the toilet.  Both of those days are equally challenging and exhausting in their own way.

I recently saw an article that went through what a typical stay-at-home mom does every week and tallied up how much money she would make for each of the marketable skills she does (kissing away boo-boos isn't on the list, unfortunately).  You know what the total was?  Nearly $100,000.  Man, do you know how many years it will take me to earn that much at my current job?

A friend of mine several months ago told me that I don't know anything about working and having a babe and that I've never had a 'real' job so how can I know how it is?  Sorry to break it to you, dear friend, but I have had many different jobs since the age of 15.  I don't know what you count as a 'real' job, but just because my job is at home instead of in an office doesn't mean that it's not real.  In order to do my job, I sacrifice all the personal time I would otherwise get (as well as a clean house).  Baby's asleep?  Want to take a shower?  Nope, you've got to go work.  Why waste precious time when you so desperately need the income?

Unfortunately, real life doesn't just hand out awards like that.  Out of the millions and millions of hardworking mothers in this world, how many of them actually get mommy awards on a regular basis?  And why, oh why did I move to a country that doesn't celebrate Mother's Day?

Working from home

The beauty of having a work from home job is that you never actually have to deal with people face-to-face.  In fact, it is rare that I even have to speak with them on the phone.  I like this arrangement very much as I am more of a shy, introverted person and not so good with the spoken words.  Writing, however, is a cinch.  That's why I'm a pro at interpersonal relations when it comes to emails.

Something else that I really appreciate about not having any clue who my coworkers are, however, is that I get the feeling that I am one of the younger employees.  As an editor, I am in a position of power and responsibility over the typists.  If they need to be patted on the back, I do that.  If they need to be dressed down, I try to fob it off on someone else and if I can't, then I do it.  I'm comfortable doing what needs to be done and giving criticism because there is an anonymity to it all.

If, for example, I knew a specific person personally in real life, I might be more hesitant about telling them what I really think.  Or let's say that I know that my typist is older than me, especially if it is quite a gap - I wouldn't feel so comfortable giving them the criticism that they need to hear and internalize in order to improve their work.

I guess that a large part of this is due to my upbringing - you must respect your elders.  I'm not talking about unconditional respect, like if you see someone committing murder it doesn't matter who they are - obviously they are no longer someone you should respect.  But respecting your elders is more generally realizing that people older than you have experiences and knowledge that are valuable and that they can share with you.  You should respect everyone, but those older than you get a little extra.  You can't talk down to them.

So for me, who feels very young despite having just marked off another year, to be having to pass along less than positive comments to people who are potentially my 'elders' can be a little bit uncomfortable.  This is why I very carefully do not ask personal questions about age or where people are in life.  My curious side would very much like to know, but the side of me that just wants to do what needs to be done and doesn't want to feel bad about it runs away.

Does any of this make sense?  I'm scared to find out if the people below me in the company are older than me because then I might have to respect them more and then I'd be afraid to criticize them.

And this is why I love the anonymity of the internet.