Much of my first pregnancy is a bit hazy, due partially to the wonderful fact that God seems to have created women to forget these difficult stages of life, and partially because I have intentionally blocked out all of the suffering. So when people ask me specific questions about how this one compares to the previous one, I sometimes have trouble answering them clearly.
For example, right now I'm suffering from insomnia. I fall asleep quite easily at night, but only stay asleep for around three hours before waking up and staying that way until shortly before I have to wake my toddler for my husband to take her to daycare. Aside from the fact that this is annoying and I'm always exhausted, this also has the effect of making all of my oh-so-wonderful symptoms worse. Your body just can't do what it needs to do if you don't give it the tools to do so - and one of the most important tools is rest.
I can't for the life of me remember if I had the same sleeping issues last time. I don't really think that I did, but I honestly have no recollection. Of course things were different back then, as I had neither a job nor an older child to care for, so even if I couldn't sleep at night it wouldn't have been the end of the world and I could have made it up a bit during the day. But I just don't know.
Any brilliant suggestions that anyone has, preferably without further medicating myself, are more than welcome...no matter how much I've improved recently, nothing good is going to come of it if I can't get proper rest. Ah, the wonderful joys of pregnancy.
Thursday, April 18, 2013
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
19 Weeks, We're Getting There!
Today I am officially 19 weeks along. Yay! One more week until the halfway mark, five more weeks until viability, and more weeks than I care to write until the babe himself is here. But the point is, we're getting there!
In the past nine days, I have had a significant improvement. I still am not gaining weight (total weight loss of 10kg/22lbs), but I am also not losing. One day I tried to reduce one dose of zofran slightly, and that didn't go too well. Heartburn is increasing, but so is my teeny tiny little pregnant belly. My belly is slightly larger than it was with L.H., so I'm taking that as a good sign.
I can eat more overall (around 1500 calories a day now, yay!), and I can also eat a larger variety of foods. The past couple of days protein has been staying in the best, so that's what I'm eating. I'm not going to go into details of specific foods, in case an HG sufferer is reading this...no need to cause you any more issues than you're already having!
My big issue right now, which of course makes all other issues worse, is that I am having an incredibly difficult time sleeping at night and I have no clue why or how to improve the situation. I fall asleep just fine and sleep really well for around three hours before waking up and, for the most part, failing to fall asleep again. As you can imagine, this makes all of the bodily aches and pains, the nausea, and my general mood and ability to cope much worse.
We're still taking it one day at a time, but now I have hope (which is a much bigger thing than it sounds like, to anyone to has never been through this). I still spend a lot of time fantasizing about the birth and planning different scenarios for how it can go down, but I also plan some more short-term things, like maybe this afternoon I'll go to the grocery store across the street to pick up three foods I think I can eat. I can now walk into the store without automatically vomiting, so we're really making progress.
My improvement this time came several weeks earlier than it did last time, and it is also a much more marked improvement than last time. Of course, until I start managing to put on a little weight and hopefully manage to reduce my zofran by at least a little, I won't feel quite like I've halfway beat HG. But in the meantime, I'm doing my best and fighting as hard as I can to bring this little life into the world.
Anatomy scan coming up soon (we wound up skipping the first one this time because I couldn't physically get over to the doctor's office to pick up the referral). My last u/s showed a healthy baby who measured about a week ahead, so apparently whatever it is that I'm doing is working for the baby, even if it's not working for me. Hopefully the good news about this wriggly little creature will keep pouring in.
I hope that all fellow sufferers out there are doing okay, and that even if you don't wind up with such a wonderful improvement like I have this time, that you at least have your fair share of good days.
In the past nine days, I have had a significant improvement. I still am not gaining weight (total weight loss of 10kg/22lbs), but I am also not losing. One day I tried to reduce one dose of zofran slightly, and that didn't go too well. Heartburn is increasing, but so is my teeny tiny little pregnant belly. My belly is slightly larger than it was with L.H., so I'm taking that as a good sign.
I can eat more overall (around 1500 calories a day now, yay!), and I can also eat a larger variety of foods. The past couple of days protein has been staying in the best, so that's what I'm eating. I'm not going to go into details of specific foods, in case an HG sufferer is reading this...no need to cause you any more issues than you're already having!
My big issue right now, which of course makes all other issues worse, is that I am having an incredibly difficult time sleeping at night and I have no clue why or how to improve the situation. I fall asleep just fine and sleep really well for around three hours before waking up and, for the most part, failing to fall asleep again. As you can imagine, this makes all of the bodily aches and pains, the nausea, and my general mood and ability to cope much worse.
We're still taking it one day at a time, but now I have hope (which is a much bigger thing than it sounds like, to anyone to has never been through this). I still spend a lot of time fantasizing about the birth and planning different scenarios for how it can go down, but I also plan some more short-term things, like maybe this afternoon I'll go to the grocery store across the street to pick up three foods I think I can eat. I can now walk into the store without automatically vomiting, so we're really making progress.
My improvement this time came several weeks earlier than it did last time, and it is also a much more marked improvement than last time. Of course, until I start managing to put on a little weight and hopefully manage to reduce my zofran by at least a little, I won't feel quite like I've halfway beat HG. But in the meantime, I'm doing my best and fighting as hard as I can to bring this little life into the world.
Anatomy scan coming up soon (we wound up skipping the first one this time because I couldn't physically get over to the doctor's office to pick up the referral). My last u/s showed a healthy baby who measured about a week ahead, so apparently whatever it is that I'm doing is working for the baby, even if it's not working for me. Hopefully the good news about this wriggly little creature will keep pouring in.
I hope that all fellow sufferers out there are doing okay, and that even if you don't wind up with such a wonderful improvement like I have this time, that you at least have your fair share of good days.
Monday, April 8, 2013
18 weeks and slightly less miserable
I know that it's been forever since I wrote anything here, and you'd think that while I'm suffering from this oh-so-wonderful malady would be the perfect time to tell you all exactly how it is. Truth be told, I keep thinking of posts to write, and then when it actually comes down to it I decide not to. It's depressing enough to be going through all of this; I don't always want to also be hashing it out in words on the internet.
So let's just say this. Life has been super super sucky, but I'm starting to improve. The Brownie is perfectly healthy and growing very nicely (is actually measuring about a week ahead, and since there was some question as to my dates to begin with, now I am thoroughly confused about how far along I am). I have an itty bitty tummy poking out of my bony body. While I am managing to eat and drink enough to keep going, I have been completely unsuccessful at putting on any weight, and so I am still at -10kg (-22lbs) from where I started. Lovely.
I'm working pretty much full time to what I usually do, but since I work from home and can work in bed, that's no biggie in the grand scheme of things. Our bank account is looking pretty sad because at the beginning I really couldn't work at all, plus of course zofran takes a big chunk out of it every month. Oh, zofran. How I love you.
I went to the doctor last week for a regular check up, and she sent me straight on to an emergency center for hydration (a lovely relative decided to share a stomach virus with me). One blown vein and one bag of IV fluids later, my urinalysis came back exactly the same as before the fluids. And they discharged me anyways. I don't really know why they sent me home like that, as I'm still struggling to make up the lost fluids now, almost a week later. Oh well, I have survived and shall continue to do so.
So that's a quick summary. I have very little desire to go ahead and detail my living hell while I'm still living through it. Afterwards it can be therapeutic, but during it just makes me feel worse. I am NOT doing this again any time soon....
So let's just say this. Life has been super super sucky, but I'm starting to improve. The Brownie is perfectly healthy and growing very nicely (is actually measuring about a week ahead, and since there was some question as to my dates to begin with, now I am thoroughly confused about how far along I am). I have an itty bitty tummy poking out of my bony body. While I am managing to eat and drink enough to keep going, I have been completely unsuccessful at putting on any weight, and so I am still at -10kg (-22lbs) from where I started. Lovely.
I'm working pretty much full time to what I usually do, but since I work from home and can work in bed, that's no biggie in the grand scheme of things. Our bank account is looking pretty sad because at the beginning I really couldn't work at all, plus of course zofran takes a big chunk out of it every month. Oh, zofran. How I love you.
I went to the doctor last week for a regular check up, and she sent me straight on to an emergency center for hydration (a lovely relative decided to share a stomach virus with me). One blown vein and one bag of IV fluids later, my urinalysis came back exactly the same as before the fluids. And they discharged me anyways. I don't really know why they sent me home like that, as I'm still struggling to make up the lost fluids now, almost a week later. Oh well, I have survived and shall continue to do so.
So that's a quick summary. I have very little desire to go ahead and detail my living hell while I'm still living through it. Afterwards it can be therapeutic, but during it just makes me feel worse. I am NOT doing this again any time soon....
Thursday, January 17, 2013
Emotional Rollercoaster
I have gone through such a set of emotions in the past several weeks. First I was just happy and I spent some time to bask in that happiness and optimism by myself before sharing the news with my husband (who I knew would be incredibly stressed by the news, but ultimately happy because we like babies a lot). I managed to hold on to that optimism for quite a nice while, I think. Unfortunately, that has all been turned around now that I see that I am going down the HG road again.
Seriously, half the time I just want to cry - and I guarantee that it's not all hormones. I remember, perhaps a bit too vividly, how truly horrible things were last time. I know that much of that was due to not getting proper medical care until it was too late to prevent or reverse the course I was already going down. But some of it was just good ol' hyperemesis at work.
Part of me keeps thinking, how could I have let myself get into this mess again? Why did I think that I could do this again and be fine? How can I do this again to my husband and now to my toddler daughter? Even with the best treatment, we will all be relying too heavily on my husband and I won't be able to give my daughter the attention that she deserves. I already don't feel up to taking her to the park (which is right outside our front door) and I know that I haven't hit the worst yet. Hopefully I will be fully medicated and the worst won't actually be much worse than right now, but there are no guarantees in this business.
After giving birth to LH a bit over two years ago, I told my husband that I was willing to give it two more tries for a total of three children, but that if HG was a constant in our lives then no way were we ever going to get to the 6 that we had originally dreamed of. Now I'm looking back and thinking that I was a fool for promising I would do this two more times. I mean, why on earth would someone knowingly subject themselves to this oh-so-wonderful torture? If you have HG once then you are more likely than not going to have it again; once you've had it twice I feel like there's just no hope.
I so much understand all the people who go the adoption or surrogacy route, but unfortunately neither of those are an option for us. Surrogacy is not only incredibly expensive, I also would feel really bad about it. For me, I wouldn't be able to have that emotional disconnect that I was carrying a child in my womb who wasn't mine. So I can't expect another woman to be able to do so, at least not without me feeling kind of bad about it.
As for adoption, from what I understand the list in Israel to adopt a newborn is nearly 10 years long. So aside from the expense and the long wait, I would also feel bad about that. There are many, many couples on that waiting list who are physically incapable of bearing their own children. I'm not incapable; I just find it an incredibly distressing experience. I would feel bad taking up their spots just because I "didn't feel like" making my own baby the usual way.
To me, two kids isn't a complete family. But what am I supposed to do? This is a really, really depressing and difficult thing to go through and it will just be more difficult each time as I have more existing children to look after. There are women who do these multiple times, even six or more times, but I frankly have no desire to go through this a second time let alone a fifth.
I suppose that a few years down the line I'll be back on here, blogging about the exact same thing and how I can't believe that I let myself get into this for a third time. What can I say, babies just make me so happy. :)
Seriously, half the time I just want to cry - and I guarantee that it's not all hormones. I remember, perhaps a bit too vividly, how truly horrible things were last time. I know that much of that was due to not getting proper medical care until it was too late to prevent or reverse the course I was already going down. But some of it was just good ol' hyperemesis at work.
Part of me keeps thinking, how could I have let myself get into this mess again? Why did I think that I could do this again and be fine? How can I do this again to my husband and now to my toddler daughter? Even with the best treatment, we will all be relying too heavily on my husband and I won't be able to give my daughter the attention that she deserves. I already don't feel up to taking her to the park (which is right outside our front door) and I know that I haven't hit the worst yet. Hopefully I will be fully medicated and the worst won't actually be much worse than right now, but there are no guarantees in this business.
After giving birth to LH a bit over two years ago, I told my husband that I was willing to give it two more tries for a total of three children, but that if HG was a constant in our lives then no way were we ever going to get to the 6 that we had originally dreamed of. Now I'm looking back and thinking that I was a fool for promising I would do this two more times. I mean, why on earth would someone knowingly subject themselves to this oh-so-wonderful torture? If you have HG once then you are more likely than not going to have it again; once you've had it twice I feel like there's just no hope.
I so much understand all the people who go the adoption or surrogacy route, but unfortunately neither of those are an option for us. Surrogacy is not only incredibly expensive, I also would feel really bad about it. For me, I wouldn't be able to have that emotional disconnect that I was carrying a child in my womb who wasn't mine. So I can't expect another woman to be able to do so, at least not without me feeling kind of bad about it.
As for adoption, from what I understand the list in Israel to adopt a newborn is nearly 10 years long. So aside from the expense and the long wait, I would also feel bad about that. There are many, many couples on that waiting list who are physically incapable of bearing their own children. I'm not incapable; I just find it an incredibly distressing experience. I would feel bad taking up their spots just because I "didn't feel like" making my own baby the usual way.
To me, two kids isn't a complete family. But what am I supposed to do? This is a really, really depressing and difficult thing to go through and it will just be more difficult each time as I have more existing children to look after. There are women who do these multiple times, even six or more times, but I frankly have no desire to go through this a second time let alone a fifth.
I suppose that a few years down the line I'll be back on here, blogging about the exact same thing and how I can't believe that I let myself get into this for a third time. What can I say, babies just make me so happy. :)
The Zofran Rainbow
I want to meet whoever invented zofran and give him or her a big hug. Seriously, this drug works wonders. I'm skimping a bit on my dosage because I need this to last until I can get a refill, but with some creative scheduling I'm getting by.
It's like night and day. I still have nausea on my minimal dose, but I can drink enough to stay hydrated and eat enough so that I hopefully won't lose weight. On the zofran I'm much more like myself; without it I'm a pathetic, sick creature who can't do anything. Not that I'm getting anything done even medicated but at least I don't feel like I'm dying.
My issues are far from over, but at least I have several hours each day when I feel mostly human and can think straight. It's a wonderful feeling.
It's like night and day. I still have nausea on my minimal dose, but I can drink enough to stay hydrated and eat enough so that I hopefully won't lose weight. On the zofran I'm much more like myself; without it I'm a pathetic, sick creature who can't do anything. Not that I'm getting anything done even medicated but at least I don't feel like I'm dying.
My issues are far from over, but at least I have several hours each day when I feel mostly human and can think straight. It's a wonderful feeling.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
So Much For Keeping My Hopes Up...
Yeah, life sucks. It turns out that I'm about a week behind where I thought I was, so I'm less than six weeks at this point. And I feel like crap. I haven't actually been vomiting, but I've spent the entire last couple of days feeling like I'm about to throw up any second. As you can imagine, this is severely limiting my intakes of food and fluids. I have this perpetual dry, dehydrated feeling and if the zofran my husband is out picking up for me right now doesn't provide some immediate relief, then I can definitely see having to get an IV by the beginning of next week.
This is ridiculous.
If I ever say that I want to have another child after this one, please shoot me. Seriously. While this baby may have been a bit of a surprise, it is still very wanted and I've been spending the past two years mentally and physically preparing. Guess what? Nothing can prepare you for this personal type of hell. Last time I was able to harbor some hope because I didn't know what was going on, but this time I know exactly what's going on and exactly how bad things can get. That makes it very difficult to put a positive spin on this.
Yes, I have better care already in place. Yes, I know how wonderful it will be to have a baby at the end of it. But as always, when asked the question "But it was worth it, wasn't it?" I can't honestly reply yes. I wouldn't trade my daughter for anything in the world and I love her to bits and would do anything for her, but seriously - isn't there an easier way to make babies? Is it unreasonable of me to expect that I should be able to go through this natural, normal process without feeling like I'm dying and without practically abandoning my family?
Whatever. Clearly I'm feeling a little bitter right now. Maybe the magic zofran will improve my mood a bit.
This is ridiculous.
If I ever say that I want to have another child after this one, please shoot me. Seriously. While this baby may have been a bit of a surprise, it is still very wanted and I've been spending the past two years mentally and physically preparing. Guess what? Nothing can prepare you for this personal type of hell. Last time I was able to harbor some hope because I didn't know what was going on, but this time I know exactly what's going on and exactly how bad things can get. That makes it very difficult to put a positive spin on this.
Yes, I have better care already in place. Yes, I know how wonderful it will be to have a baby at the end of it. But as always, when asked the question "But it was worth it, wasn't it?" I can't honestly reply yes. I wouldn't trade my daughter for anything in the world and I love her to bits and would do anything for her, but seriously - isn't there an easier way to make babies? Is it unreasonable of me to expect that I should be able to go through this natural, normal process without feeling like I'm dying and without practically abandoning my family?
Whatever. Clearly I'm feeling a little bitter right now. Maybe the magic zofran will improve my mood a bit.
Thursday, January 10, 2013
Here We Go Again
So, funny story. Last week I got my BFP (Big Fat Positive). This pregnancy was very unplanned, to say the least, but it's here and we like babies so no worries. :) I'm guessing that I'm around 5+ weeks pregnant right now, which means that I'm right around where the sickness hit last time. And you know what? I feel awesome!
Okay, maybe awesome is a bit of an overstatement. But seriously, I feel really great in comparison to last time. I have moderate nausea off and on and about a zillion very strong food aversions, but so far no vomiting in sight. I've even managed to gain a couple of pounds on my very limited diet (mostly carbs, a lot of protein, and pickles). If this is what morning sickness is like, I'd happily take nine months of this over HG any day!
I have two fears in the back of my mind. One fear is obviously that I'm a ticking time bomb and that the HG will hit any minute now and the next eight months of my life will be a living hell. The other fear is that maybe the fact that I'm not sick means that I'm not producing enough hormones and that I'll lose the baby. That's the bigger fear of the two, I think. I've already done HG once and gotten through it mostly okay (and have an adorable toddler to show for it), but losing a baby is never okay.
Spending the past two years mentally and physically preparing myself for this has really paid off. When I got the positive, all I felt was pure joy and happiness untainted by the thought of HG. I am managing to be pretty hopelessly optimistic on this one, perhaps to the point of stupidity but I can't help it. So much was robbed from me last time and this time I just want to feel that joy and happiness that are supposed to be inherent parts of growing those tiny little miracles in your belly.
That having been said, I also want to keep this a secret as much as I can. My HG community knows, so that I can get support when I need it, even in this waiting period of "will it hit or not". I will have to tell my mother since she is planning a trip and this news may change her plans. But beyond that, we're trying to keep this all very hush-hush until the end of the first trimester. I just want to have this to myself to be happy about without everyone else asking me a million questions and always looking to see if maybe the HG is starting now. I just want to be normal.
I have high hopes that my morning sickness will stay morning sickness and that I can report back here along the way about my wonderfully fluffy pregnancy. In the meantime, my fridge and freezer are stocked with things for both myself and my family, and I'm taking a regiment of prenatals/magnesium/B6. I have ginger tea (which makes me nauseous), crackers (which are currently a neutral food), and an assortment of other 'typical' foods to help with nausea. Just because I don't think they'll work doesn't mean I shouldn't give them a try.
All in all, I'm feeling really good about this. I see the doctor next week for my first appointment of the pregnancy and my first time meeting her, so it should be interesting. I just want her to tell me that everything is going to be okay, but at the same time I will insist that she give me a prescription for zofran just in case. Better to have it in the house and wind up donating it to a friend than to not have it when I need it.
Here's hoping for my first fluffy pregnancy!
Okay, maybe awesome is a bit of an overstatement. But seriously, I feel really great in comparison to last time. I have moderate nausea off and on and about a zillion very strong food aversions, but so far no vomiting in sight. I've even managed to gain a couple of pounds on my very limited diet (mostly carbs, a lot of protein, and pickles). If this is what morning sickness is like, I'd happily take nine months of this over HG any day!
I have two fears in the back of my mind. One fear is obviously that I'm a ticking time bomb and that the HG will hit any minute now and the next eight months of my life will be a living hell. The other fear is that maybe the fact that I'm not sick means that I'm not producing enough hormones and that I'll lose the baby. That's the bigger fear of the two, I think. I've already done HG once and gotten through it mostly okay (and have an adorable toddler to show for it), but losing a baby is never okay.
Spending the past two years mentally and physically preparing myself for this has really paid off. When I got the positive, all I felt was pure joy and happiness untainted by the thought of HG. I am managing to be pretty hopelessly optimistic on this one, perhaps to the point of stupidity but I can't help it. So much was robbed from me last time and this time I just want to feel that joy and happiness that are supposed to be inherent parts of growing those tiny little miracles in your belly.
That having been said, I also want to keep this a secret as much as I can. My HG community knows, so that I can get support when I need it, even in this waiting period of "will it hit or not". I will have to tell my mother since she is planning a trip and this news may change her plans. But beyond that, we're trying to keep this all very hush-hush until the end of the first trimester. I just want to have this to myself to be happy about without everyone else asking me a million questions and always looking to see if maybe the HG is starting now. I just want to be normal.
I have high hopes that my morning sickness will stay morning sickness and that I can report back here along the way about my wonderfully fluffy pregnancy. In the meantime, my fridge and freezer are stocked with things for both myself and my family, and I'm taking a regiment of prenatals/magnesium/B6. I have ginger tea (which makes me nauseous), crackers (which are currently a neutral food), and an assortment of other 'typical' foods to help with nausea. Just because I don't think they'll work doesn't mean I shouldn't give them a try.
All in all, I'm feeling really good about this. I see the doctor next week for my first appointment of the pregnancy and my first time meeting her, so it should be interesting. I just want her to tell me that everything is going to be okay, but at the same time I will insist that she give me a prescription for zofran just in case. Better to have it in the house and wind up donating it to a friend than to not have it when I need it.
Here's hoping for my first fluffy pregnancy!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)